Friday: Whatdya have? Whadya have? Plenty of options for your local sports dollar
Forecast calls for 70 degrees and clear at game time. Niiiiiiice.
-The Salem Red Sox are back in town tonight, and they return from their seven-game road trip in first place in the Carolina League’s Southern Division. One of the top performers so far this year has been outfielder Shannon Wilkerson, who has thrived after getting an everyday job in his return trip to Salem. Full story on Wilkerson here.
-The Scott Robertson Memorial golf tournament opens today at Roanoke Country Club. The question is, will the word’s No. 1-ranked girls golfer be playing in it?
Sizzling Adam Jones leads the O's into D.C. tonight.
-A four-hour drive could get you to Nats Park, where it’s an Interleague battle of teams with a combined record of 47-30: Washington and Baltimore. Game’s on MASN at 7.
CORNY (NON-TORTOISE) JOKE OF THE DAY
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
NAME THAT TUNE
-This puppy could last all weekend:
The spark of plow to rock is now the only fight I’ve known
And the songs of victory that they sang don’t help the seeds I’ve sown
‘Tis wickedness and self conceit that is the bane of man
So the farmer and the land compete
As God’s first reprimand
There’ll be a day that Blue and Grey
Will hear the trumpets blow
And they’ll dance around like ol’ John Brown
On the long end of a rope
They’ll dance around like ol’ John Brown
On the long end of a rope
May 18, 2012 - 8:02 AM
*facepalm* Really, Aaron? You gonna open the blog with a really bad joke about bathroom and scales?
I would love to bring the kiddies to Salem to watch some baseball, unfortunately, the youngest one is still in diaper and have the patience of a hummingbird.
What do you get when you cross a Tufts and candy?
Tafy!
In fairness, Trev, I didn’t open with it. But yes, it’s bad.
That’s a good joke…and the way it ends leaves open a couple possibilities, which is always good. If I ever did that, I would just keep on driving ’til I ran out of gas, and hope I never got found!
Well, I won’t be checking out sports locally this weekend, but I will be hoping the Tigers can put together a winning weekend, they need it. Cleveland has played pretty well to start the year, Detroit has not. They have a surprisingly anemic offense, and the pitching has been a tad suspect again. Defensively, they’re borderline attrocious, and slow. But, last year they were in a similar spot this way into the season, so they’ve still got time to turn things around. And I hope they do. If they hit the All-Star break with a losing record, I think they’ll be one of the bigger disappointments on the year…the other candidates vying for that title being the Angels, Phillies, and Red Sox.
Best surprise stories in baseball so far? The Orioles and Nationals have got to be at the top…I’m a fan of neither, but it’s nice to see them relevant and competitive after so many years of futility. The other major surprises would be the Dodgers, Braves, and Indians all leading their divisions.
Playoff teams as of today? Texas, Cleveland, Baltimore, Tampa, and Toronto…only 2 of whom anyone would have picked pre-season. In the NL it would be LA, St. Louis, Atlanta, Washington, and the Mets…with maybe only the Cardinals as a pre-season pick by most. Strange season so far…
Only on this blog could a seamless transition be made from a bathroom scale to Harpers Ferry West Virginia. Good joke really; but, do you really want to start this? Okay. Bus driver is taking a group of older women on a shopping trip. One comes up to bus driver and asks if he wants some peanuts. Why, yes, thank you he says. Then he says these are very good could I have some more? Sure she says handing him a big handful. He finishes them off and says they are great why aren`t you all eating them. Oh, we just like sucking the chocolate off of them, she says.
Whatever, that joke was awesome in that straight-out-of-the-pulpit way. Guessing at least 10 preachers have used it in the past month. Bad jokes spread through preachers faster than that disease those monkeys tried to give Rain Man.
Those events are all fine, but I’m going all in for a couple field days at elementary schools. Going to get my 50-yard dash on and then slam some Sunny D with some Goldfish. Recovery is key.
Travis — You’re so right about that. I wish I could remember all the church jokes I heard growing up. Used to tell ‘em all the time. I remember the preacher once gave a whole sermon about the “Tate” family.
There was Dick, Adja, Hezza…
And you know that captive audience roared with laughter at every name that was unveiled. Easiest crowd in all of comedy is seated not in nightclubs, but in pews.
Travis, I once stood in front of a large group to share some message, and had a female interpreter to voice what I was signing.
I told the crowd that I had to apologize for sounding like a girl, but it didn’t mean I had a sex change operation.
Stop with the bad jokes. It could really get out of control in a hurry.
Why is bureaucracy like a septic tank?
The really big chunks always rise to the top.
Aaron, try this joke for size, told by a preacher.
A woman was so desperate to be prestigious she joined every society clubs and died prematurely. Her husband put on her tombstone, “She was clubbed to death.”
A woman hired a painter to do a portrait of her so it could be hung over the fireplace. She gave the painter this instruction, “I want you to paint this in the portrait with me having mother-of-pearls necklace, gold bracelets on each wrists, gold earring, diamond studded ring on my ring finger, a ruby ring on my right index finger, and some other fancy ornaments.”
Perplexed, the painter said, “But you don’t have those.”
The woman smiled and said, “I know. It is there so when I die, I am sure my husband will marry again, and I want the woman to go nuts looking for them.”
AM are you covering the Sox this weekend? My son and I are taking in our first game of the season on Sunday. If you’re going to be there I’ll give you a shout and maybe we can say hello. Maybe you should do like the Nascar guys do and have a fan meet up before every game.
No idea on the song today.
So what’s the over/under on how long it will take for Miami to fire Erik Spoelstra if the Heat don’t win it all this year? I give it a day at the most. Then I give it another day before the Phil Jackson rumors start.
Highland (Country) Boy – Scott Miller
Hearing crickets after the ACC meetings.
Told your joke to my wife. She was NOT amused. Said that I would be missing, too!
Okay, preacher joke. A Sunday school teacher asks her 5 and 6 year old students to draw a picture of someone in the Bible. She walked around behind the children to see if she could tell who they were drawing. One little boy was drawing a man with a lot of animals next to a big boat and she knew he was drawing Noah. A little girl was drawing a picture of a man wearing a multi colored coat and she knew it must be Joseph. She walked behind Billy and he was drawing a fairly plain looking man. The teacher asked, “Billy, who are you drawing?” Billy said, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher said, “But Billy, no one knows what God looks like”. Billy replied, “They will in a minute.”
Hey, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.
Bobby Clark scores on the tough one! Nicely done.
I’ll be there, O.G. Shoot me a text or an email when you get there and I’ll come see ya. Don’t do what Rick H did and say you’re gonna do that and don’t.
AM. Will do.
A boy attended church for the first time. He noticed people were passing the offering plate until it got to his father. He piped up, “Daddy, you don’t have to pay for me. All kids 10 and under get in free.”
Hey, hey, now, I was there – you made a positive ID.
Greg, if the weather is bad, don’t hold your breath on Mr. McFarling coming down. He’s funny about staying up where it’s dry – and away from the hordes of third graders that were there for the so-called “businessman’s special.”
I may be there Sunday, too, with the little Mrs. She wants to do a bark in the park game. We’ve got a rowdy little chihuahua to bring to keep the big dogs in line. He’ll probably get tossed for doing too much of the bark part, though. He gets a little rowdy when he’s been drinking.
I don’t have any good jokes today, but did you all see the story on SI.com that the SEC & Big 12 football champions have agreed to play each other in a New Years Day bowl? With B1G playing the PAC 12 in the Rose Bowl, it’s looking like the ACC is going to be left in a bad place.
RP, that just means the Sugar is locked out. The SEC will insist on that being the arrangement, and it actually makes sense for the Big XII, too, geographically speaking.
The ACC/Orange marriage has always made sense, regardless of what people want to say about it. Miami is on the Atlantic Coast, and two of those letters in ACC are Atlantic Coast. The ACC’s only problem is there isn’t a good looking date for their dance. The Fiesta is the real loser in all of this.
The Orange Bowl will end up with whatever the depleted Big East produces as the opponent for the ACC champ. Maybe some 2nd place Big 12 or Big Ten team occasionally. And the ACC officials thought they had trouble selling bowl tickets prior to this? LOL… it’s going to be even more embarrassing now.
Rick, I’m interpreting this as if the SEC & Big 12 will be creating an all new bowl game for themselves, in whatever city pays the most to host it. Sounds like the Sugar Bowl may be headed the way of the Cotton Bowl – suddenly a lot less relevant.
One of the two brand names – Cotton Bowl or Sugar Bowl – will prosper greatly, while the other will probably be relegated to 3rd tier status of hosting 2nd/3rd place teams from the Big 12/SEC.
In this weekend of the horse, I am again reminded of UVA`s Turtle. The question seems to be why would he snap up the Cav`s offer when they seem to have plenty of QBs. The answer is simple. By the time he gets to C`ville, most of those guys will have graduated.
Turtle will be moved to another position. BTW Ralph, He is the cousin of Andrew Brown, a 5-Star DL that everyone wants. UVA has got its foot in the door!