As her husband slips into dementia, a devoted wife confronts the question: Does love live in the heart or in the head?
By Beth Macy
published Saturday, March 15, 2008
Linda Rhodes’ worst fear is not that she’ll wake up one morning and find her husband, Tommy, dead.
It isn’t that she’ll be fired from her job as the executive assistant to the president of Lewis-Gale Medical Center because she’s tired and distracted. When you’re the 60-year-old caregiver of a spouse with dementia, managing crises is the norm.
No, this is the thought that makes Linda bolt upright at 3 in the morning: What if she dies of a heart attack on a Friday night? What if it’s Monday morning before anyone checks on Tommy, and only because she hasn’t shown up for work?
Tommy Rhodes rubs his eyes while waiting for his wife, Linda, to blow dry his hair in the morning. (Click image to enlarge)
Linda knows the numbers: American families provide most of the care for the 5.1 million people with dementia. And yet one in three caregivers dies before the person they’re caring for does.
Still, when people suggest that it’s time to place her husband in a nursing home, this is the story she tells:
Tommy was two years into the disease when she took him for an assessment at The University of Virginia Medical Center. Back then he was confused about half the time. Watching “Shrek” one day, he’d asked her in all seriousness: “Will you get these animals out of the room?”
During a battery of memory tests, the doctor asked Tommy to write a simple sentence. He couldn’t distinguish cartoon animals from the real thing, but this much he knew with certainty:
“I love my wife,” Tommy wrote.
Though Linda had vowed to keep her husband at home as long as possible, two questions circled in her mind: Does love inhabit the heart or the brain? And if she does put him in a nursing home, how will she know that it’s the right thing to do?
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Linda, I read your story
Linda, I read your story with much care and was encouraged at how honest you approached this event in you and your husband's life. On the whole, family nor friends, don't seem to know how to approach people who are going through so much, so a lot of the time, they just distant themselves. It's not that they don't care I don't think but perhaps it stirs something up inside of them knowing that this could be them. In taking care of my parent and now my husband, people seem to go further and further in the background when you need that encouragement the most. So I say to you, stick by your beliefs showing your caring spirit and love for your husband as you have done and God's love will be there with you at every turn. Thanks for writing your story and I will be praying for you and your husband.
God Bless You Linda
Linda
I can relate to your story. I was my husband's caregiver. I just wanted to let you know how special you are for being an Angel to your husband. Don't let anyone tell you that you 'should do something' with Tommy. You know what to do, and it seems you are doing it quite well.
I counted it an honor and a privilege to be my husband's caregiver and if I had it to do all over again, I would, only I would do a better job than what I did. My best was not good enough for the man who deserved a whole lot more.
God Bless you is my prayer.
Robin
Caring for Tommy
I couldn't read this story when it first appeared in the paper - it's too close to home. But, this morning, I took a deep breath and read it from beginning to end. My heart hurts for this couple. I know the dreams they had that won't be realized, and the plans they made that no longer matter in the overall scheme of things. We, too, are dealing with a progressive disease - Parkinson's - and with panic/anxiety disorder. My husband is homebound. I am still working full time. Thankfully, he can still be alone during the day, but I dread the day when that is no longer the case. If I could say one thing to Linda, it would be this. Take care of yourself. If you don't, you won't be able to take care of your dear husband. My psychologist reminded me of the instructions one gets from flight attendants. In the event of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on small children traveling with you. Why? Because, if you pass out, you can't take care of the children. Same principle. God bless you both and give you strength and peace.
An Angel
For those of you who do not know Linda personally, she is an angel on earth. Tommy must have known that when he met her! Somewhere deep inside, he still knows - he'll always know. God bless you Linda, and your family. You are in many people's prayers.
From someone who frequents Linda's "counseling chair".
Age of Uncertainty
Linda, Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with the Roanoke Times readers. May God bless you always for your love and faithfulness. Many people (like myself) feel like we have very difficult daily lives and to hear stories like yours gives us renewed strength and faith to persevere no matter what happens. Your devotion to your husband is the way we should all strive to live. I will pray for you and Tommy to have all the joy and happiness that you deserve.
J
A special place in Heaven for caregivers
I cried through most of your story...it is all too familiar. First with my grandparents and now with my mother-in-law. You are doing what your heart tells you and with your strength, patience and sense of humor you have exactly what you need to deal with caring for your husband and handling the opinions of everyone else. Just make sure you take care of yourself. You will be in a lot of prayers tonight.
Sincerely,
Kathy
Hanging on 10
Linda,
The answer to your question lies in your heart. If you do have to put your husband in a home, please check it out first. Don't feel bad if that time comes, just don't put him there and forget him. Homes are for when you can't(menitionaly and safily) care for him. God works wonders for those who ask. Now is the time for you and your husband to live and love each other.
Take care of youself,too.
Carolyn
A story full of love
Linda,
The story of Tommy's illness has touched my heart. I'm very sorry to hear about his condition. Just reading the story makes me realize that it is not something easy to live with. It has also made me realize that no matter what happens, love is what keeps you going. Your family is my thoughts and prayer. I admire your dedication. You are sticking with Tommy through the good and bad. Hold onto those good memories that you have because it will help you. To me, you are a hero. God bless you!!! You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. The answer to your question, "Does love live in the heart or in the head?" is simple: The heart.
Yours truly,
Lynn