A great partner
Back when he still recognized his wife, Tommy Rhodes liked to walk up behind her as she washed the dishes, put his arms around her middle and kiss her on the cheek.
Back when he could still point out their first house — a three-bedroom ranch on Morwanda Street Northwest — Linda used to joke that he could get himself a girlfriend, if he wanted ... as long as he promised to keep rubbing her back every night.
| Read an essay by Linda Rhodes: Why share Tommy's story? |
A marriage is a shared history, forged of habits and memories and inside jokes.
But the almost 40-year marriage that Linda Rhodes knew and loved died two years ago, when Tommy no longer remembered nearby Williamson Road — never mind the image of a teenage Linda cruising down it in her sister’s brand-new Chevy Impala, the first time they glimpsed each other.
It was 1966, and Linda swears that the moment she saw his sparkling blue eyes she said to her girlfriend, “I don’t know who that man is, but I’m gonna marry him.”
Tommy and Linda Rhodes pose in a family photo while dating in the late 1960s. (Click image to enlarge)
They were the quintessential Roanoke pair: Baby boomers and Baptists; nothing flashy. When they met in person later that day, it was at the Lendy’s drive-in in Boxley Hills.
They married in 1968. He co-owned a concrete company with his brothers while she stayed home with their three children.
But Tommy changed diapers when most men of his generation didn’t. When she bought their second house on a whim — before he’d even seen it — he didn’t flinch. He said not a word when she painted the living room pink.
Linda taught him to country line-dance, and if there was a rock to be moved or a new tree to be planted in the yard he was there for the heavy lifting.
“He was a great partner, cook, lover. The whole nine yards,” she says. Mainly, he was kind: She remembers crying when she learned she was pregnant with their youngest. Money was tight, and a third child had not been part of the plan.
“Don’t worry, we’ll get through this,” Tommy said, his usual cheerful self.
Daughter Marianne was in high school before Tommy confided that he’d been just as distraught as Linda. “What was I supposed to say?” he confessed, laughing. “You were so upset.”
| Watch video for this story |
When he retired in 2002, Tommy was 63 years old and fit and trim as the day they’d married.
The plan had been for him to piddle around the house, maybe add a room onto the back. He’d have dinner ready when she came home from work. They’d finally take that Caribbean cruise they’d been talking about since the kids left home.
That summer their oldest son found Tommy passed out in the back yard.
Even before, Linda had noticed he wasn’t quite himself: He complained of headaches and seemed to get irritated at the slightest things — a piece of paper not folding correctly, say.
She was not prepared when, a few weeks after his blackout, Tommy walked into the bedroom and said: “I’m going to go to bed now before the airplane lands on the roof.”
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Linda, I read your story
Linda, I read your story with much care and was encouraged at how honest you approached this event in you and your husband's life. On the whole, family nor friends, don't seem to know how to approach people who are going through so much, so a lot of the time, they just distant themselves. It's not that they don't care I don't think but perhaps it stirs something up inside of them knowing that this could be them. In taking care of my parent and now my husband, people seem to go further and further in the background when you need that encouragement the most. So I say to you, stick by your beliefs showing your caring spirit and love for your husband as you have done and God's love will be there with you at every turn. Thanks for writing your story and I will be praying for you and your husband.
God Bless You Linda
Linda
I can relate to your story. I was my husband's caregiver. I just wanted to let you know how special you are for being an Angel to your husband. Don't let anyone tell you that you 'should do something' with Tommy. You know what to do, and it seems you are doing it quite well.
I counted it an honor and a privilege to be my husband's caregiver and if I had it to do all over again, I would, only I would do a better job than what I did. My best was not good enough for the man who deserved a whole lot more.
God Bless you is my prayer.
Robin
Caring for Tommy
I couldn't read this story when it first appeared in the paper - it's too close to home. But, this morning, I took a deep breath and read it from beginning to end. My heart hurts for this couple. I know the dreams they had that won't be realized, and the plans they made that no longer matter in the overall scheme of things. We, too, are dealing with a progressive disease - Parkinson's - and with panic/anxiety disorder. My husband is homebound. I am still working full time. Thankfully, he can still be alone during the day, but I dread the day when that is no longer the case. If I could say one thing to Linda, it would be this. Take care of yourself. If you don't, you won't be able to take care of your dear husband. My psychologist reminded me of the instructions one gets from flight attendants. In the event of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on small children traveling with you. Why? Because, if you pass out, you can't take care of the children. Same principle. God bless you both and give you strength and peace.
An Angel
For those of you who do not know Linda personally, she is an angel on earth. Tommy must have known that when he met her! Somewhere deep inside, he still knows - he'll always know. God bless you Linda, and your family. You are in many people's prayers.
From someone who frequents Linda's "counseling chair".
Age of Uncertainty
Linda, Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with the Roanoke Times readers. May God bless you always for your love and faithfulness. Many people (like myself) feel like we have very difficult daily lives and to hear stories like yours gives us renewed strength and faith to persevere no matter what happens. Your devotion to your husband is the way we should all strive to live. I will pray for you and Tommy to have all the joy and happiness that you deserve.
J
A special place in Heaven for caregivers
I cried through most of your story...it is all too familiar. First with my grandparents and now with my mother-in-law. You are doing what your heart tells you and with your strength, patience and sense of humor you have exactly what you need to deal with caring for your husband and handling the opinions of everyone else. Just make sure you take care of yourself. You will be in a lot of prayers tonight.
Sincerely,
Kathy
Hanging on 10
Linda,
The answer to your question lies in your heart. If you do have to put your husband in a home, please check it out first. Don't feel bad if that time comes, just don't put him there and forget him. Homes are for when you can't(menitionaly and safily) care for him. God works wonders for those who ask. Now is the time for you and your husband to live and love each other.
Take care of youself,too.
Carolyn
A story full of love
Linda,
The story of Tommy's illness has touched my heart. I'm very sorry to hear about his condition. Just reading the story makes me realize that it is not something easy to live with. It has also made me realize that no matter what happens, love is what keeps you going. Your family is my thoughts and prayer. I admire your dedication. You are sticking with Tommy through the good and bad. Hold onto those good memories that you have because it will help you. To me, you are a hero. God bless you!!! You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. The answer to your question, "Does love live in the heart or in the head?" is simple: The heart.
Yours truly,
Lynn