Family dynamics
This is Linda’s take on her children’s response to the illness: The son in Botetourt County greeted the diagnosis by denying it. The daughter in Richmond accepted it but had a hard time talking about it. The son in Boston thought she was handling it all wrong.
Only her daughter-in-law Beth Rhodes “gets me, gets where I’m coming from,” Linda says. Maybe it’s because she can remove her emotion from the situation — Tommy’s not her dad. Or maybe it’s because Beth’s been a caregiver herself, having moved back to Virginia from Florida to take care of her own ailing parents.
Linda’s out-of-town children were stunned by how quickly their dad declined, Beth Rhodes recalls.
“When you’re not around it on a daily basis, you tend to think, it can’t be that bad,” Beth says. “I know they were really concerned about Linda’s own health, too.”
To Linda’s way of thinking, that in no way excused her middle child’s pleas for her to “do something with Dad,” as Chris Rhodes put it during a visit last fall.
She understood Chris’ pain. Tommy hadn’t recognized Chris in more than a year, and it scared Chris’ young children when grandpa saw people who weren’t there or became furious over the placement of a living-room chair.
A family photo shows Tommy and Linda Rhodes' son Michael, 3, sitting on his father's shoulders in the winter of 1973. (Click image to enlarge)
A month earlier, Linda had had to cancel a trip to Boston for her grandson’s baptism. A trial-run overnight stay at a Roanoke respite-care facility hadn’t gone well at all — the staff called her constantly, and Tommy looked miserable the next morning, “like a puppy who’d just been taken away from his mama,” she recalled.
The last time she’d taken Tommy to Boston with her, the flight was a disaster; he didn’t want to stay in his seat. In the hotel room, she had to tape newspaper over the mirrors. When they were with the grandchildren, the baby’s cries got on Tommy’s nerves.
Chris reiterated the suggestion that Linda do something with his Dad, adding that her relationship with her grandchildren was suffering. And so was her health. Linda had delayed a surgery she needed for her neck for 18 months, and she couldn’t take her prescribed pain meds because she had to awaken easily if Tommy started wandering in the night.
She countered her son’s criticism with a line that has since become her mantra: “Don’t volunteer your advice unless you’re willing to volunteer your help.”
Besides, she thought: how would Chris respond if his daughter had a brain injury and became incapacitated? Would he take his time to assess the situation, trying in-home care first, or would he immediately place her in a facility?
“That’s exactly where I am,” she told her son.
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Linda, I read your story
Linda, I read your story with much care and was encouraged at how honest you approached this event in you and your husband's life. On the whole, family nor friends, don't seem to know how to approach people who are going through so much, so a lot of the time, they just distant themselves. It's not that they don't care I don't think but perhaps it stirs something up inside of them knowing that this could be them. In taking care of my parent and now my husband, people seem to go further and further in the background when you need that encouragement the most. So I say to you, stick by your beliefs showing your caring spirit and love for your husband as you have done and God's love will be there with you at every turn. Thanks for writing your story and I will be praying for you and your husband.
God Bless You Linda
Linda
I can relate to your story. I was my husband's caregiver. I just wanted to let you know how special you are for being an Angel to your husband. Don't let anyone tell you that you 'should do something' with Tommy. You know what to do, and it seems you are doing it quite well.
I counted it an honor and a privilege to be my husband's caregiver and if I had it to do all over again, I would, only I would do a better job than what I did. My best was not good enough for the man who deserved a whole lot more.
God Bless you is my prayer.
Robin
Caring for Tommy
I couldn't read this story when it first appeared in the paper - it's too close to home. But, this morning, I took a deep breath and read it from beginning to end. My heart hurts for this couple. I know the dreams they had that won't be realized, and the plans they made that no longer matter in the overall scheme of things. We, too, are dealing with a progressive disease - Parkinson's - and with panic/anxiety disorder. My husband is homebound. I am still working full time. Thankfully, he can still be alone during the day, but I dread the day when that is no longer the case. If I could say one thing to Linda, it would be this. Take care of yourself. If you don't, you won't be able to take care of your dear husband. My psychologist reminded me of the instructions one gets from flight attendants. In the event of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on small children traveling with you. Why? Because, if you pass out, you can't take care of the children. Same principle. God bless you both and give you strength and peace.
An Angel
For those of you who do not know Linda personally, she is an angel on earth. Tommy must have known that when he met her! Somewhere deep inside, he still knows - he'll always know. God bless you Linda, and your family. You are in many people's prayers.
From someone who frequents Linda's "counseling chair".
Age of Uncertainty
Linda, Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with the Roanoke Times readers. May God bless you always for your love and faithfulness. Many people (like myself) feel like we have very difficult daily lives and to hear stories like yours gives us renewed strength and faith to persevere no matter what happens. Your devotion to your husband is the way we should all strive to live. I will pray for you and Tommy to have all the joy and happiness that you deserve.
J
A special place in Heaven for caregivers
I cried through most of your story...it is all too familiar. First with my grandparents and now with my mother-in-law. You are doing what your heart tells you and with your strength, patience and sense of humor you have exactly what you need to deal with caring for your husband and handling the opinions of everyone else. Just make sure you take care of yourself. You will be in a lot of prayers tonight.
Sincerely,
Kathy
Hanging on 10
Linda,
The answer to your question lies in your heart. If you do have to put your husband in a home, please check it out first. Don't feel bad if that time comes, just don't put him there and forget him. Homes are for when you can't(menitionaly and safily) care for him. God works wonders for those who ask. Now is the time for you and your husband to live and love each other.
Take care of youself,too.
Carolyn
A story full of love
Linda,
The story of Tommy's illness has touched my heart. I'm very sorry to hear about his condition. Just reading the story makes me realize that it is not something easy to live with. It has also made me realize that no matter what happens, love is what keeps you going. Your family is my thoughts and prayer. I admire your dedication. You are sticking with Tommy through the good and bad. Hold onto those good memories that you have because it will help you. To me, you are a hero. God bless you!!! You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. The answer to your question, "Does love live in the heart or in the head?" is simple: The heart.
Yours truly,
Lynn