Midnight karma
Before the month was out, Linda took a week off work to research her options. She placed Tommy in the Adult Care Center, an adult day care program located at the Veterans Administration compound in Salem.
The day care hours matched her work hours, and director Sue Nutter assured Linda that Tommy was not a burden to the staff at the center — even when he got mad at what he perceived to be “some dumb-ass sitting in my chair.” (Linda finally suggested they put his name on a chair, which helped some. As for the cursing, she reminded the staff, “They’re just words.”)
It was OK, even, when he grew so agitated that day care workers had to dispatch Linda from work to come quiet him down. (“The minute he sees me, he gets OK.”)
Linda Rhodes, already dressed for work, helps her husband wash in the shower before dawn. (Click image to enlarge)
If she put him in a nursing home now, she thought, she’d be there every waking moment when she wasn’t working.
When she wasn’t there, she’d worry: Was he getting the right medications and the right food? Would some stressed-out aide get mad at Tommy when he forgot to pull his pants down before he sat on the toilet?
“My karma’s got to be right at midnight,” she says. With Tommy in a nursing home, she wouldn’t be able to sleep. The drugs he’d be given to quell his agitation would likely put him in a “zombie state,” as a doctor at UVa called it.
In no way would it improve his life. When he’s home, when he has her in sight, he’s happy 90 percent of the time.
“I know that if he ever gets violent or if I have to lift him, I won’t be able to handle him at home,” she says. “But I try not to look forward, and I try not to look back.”
To the outside world, Linda imagines that her life looks like a depressing, made-for-TV movie. She wishes people would believe her when she tells them: It’s not as bad as it looks.
“I understand now why a child who’s been kidnapped doesn’t always escape when given the chance.” Reading about the Stockholm syndrome before, she never understood.
Now, she does. “You really can get used to anything.”
With the right attitude, you can even find moments of joy. They were having a “date night” not long ago, curled up with a blanket on the couch and watching TV.
“I would give you $100 if you would rub my back like you used to,” she said. Tommy didn’t respond.
He started to get agitated, pacing between the den and the kitchen, when Linda pointed out the Lawrence Welk dancers on TV.
Tommy gets flustered and covers his ears as his wife, friends and caretakers sing Happy Birthday to him at the Adult Care Center. (Click image to enlarge)
“Look, Tommy, they’re dancing the polka!” she said, trying to give him focus.
“Yeah, I bet he’s gonna poke her tonight too,” he quipped.
Linda laughed like she hadn’t laughed in months, maybe years. That was the old Tommy talking, whether he realized it or not — bawdy and quick with the elbow. The same Tommy who thought it’d be a hoot to return from his family farm in Botetourt County with the head of a recently slaughtered pig, which he placed on top of the washing machine — just to get a rise out of her. (“He only did that once.”)
In early December, a geriatrics team at the VA Hospital’s Memory Disorder Clinic gave Tommy another battery of tests — which he failed almost entirely.
They tweaked his medication to see if his behavior at day care might improve.
At the end of the appointment, a doctor asked Tommy if he thought anything was wrong with him.
“No. I feel fine,” he said, agreeably. “There are no problems with me.”
The doctor told Linda: “The best decision this man ever made was to marry you.”
That night she e-mailed her kids about the visit. She wanted them to know that a doctor agreed with how she was managing their father’s care — whether they did or not.
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Linda, I read your story
Linda, I read your story with much care and was encouraged at how honest you approached this event in you and your husband's life. On the whole, family nor friends, don't seem to know how to approach people who are going through so much, so a lot of the time, they just distant themselves. It's not that they don't care I don't think but perhaps it stirs something up inside of them knowing that this could be them. In taking care of my parent and now my husband, people seem to go further and further in the background when you need that encouragement the most. So I say to you, stick by your beliefs showing your caring spirit and love for your husband as you have done and God's love will be there with you at every turn. Thanks for writing your story and I will be praying for you and your husband.
God Bless You Linda
Linda
I can relate to your story. I was my husband's caregiver. I just wanted to let you know how special you are for being an Angel to your husband. Don't let anyone tell you that you 'should do something' with Tommy. You know what to do, and it seems you are doing it quite well.
I counted it an honor and a privilege to be my husband's caregiver and if I had it to do all over again, I would, only I would do a better job than what I did. My best was not good enough for the man who deserved a whole lot more.
God Bless you is my prayer.
Robin
Caring for Tommy
I couldn't read this story when it first appeared in the paper - it's too close to home. But, this morning, I took a deep breath and read it from beginning to end. My heart hurts for this couple. I know the dreams they had that won't be realized, and the plans they made that no longer matter in the overall scheme of things. We, too, are dealing with a progressive disease - Parkinson's - and with panic/anxiety disorder. My husband is homebound. I am still working full time. Thankfully, he can still be alone during the day, but I dread the day when that is no longer the case. If I could say one thing to Linda, it would be this. Take care of yourself. If you don't, you won't be able to take care of your dear husband. My psychologist reminded me of the instructions one gets from flight attendants. In the event of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on small children traveling with you. Why? Because, if you pass out, you can't take care of the children. Same principle. God bless you both and give you strength and peace.
An Angel
For those of you who do not know Linda personally, she is an angel on earth. Tommy must have known that when he met her! Somewhere deep inside, he still knows - he'll always know. God bless you Linda, and your family. You are in many people's prayers.
From someone who frequents Linda's "counseling chair".
Age of Uncertainty
Linda, Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with the Roanoke Times readers. May God bless you always for your love and faithfulness. Many people (like myself) feel like we have very difficult daily lives and to hear stories like yours gives us renewed strength and faith to persevere no matter what happens. Your devotion to your husband is the way we should all strive to live. I will pray for you and Tommy to have all the joy and happiness that you deserve.
J
A special place in Heaven for caregivers
I cried through most of your story...it is all too familiar. First with my grandparents and now with my mother-in-law. You are doing what your heart tells you and with your strength, patience and sense of humor you have exactly what you need to deal with caring for your husband and handling the opinions of everyone else. Just make sure you take care of yourself. You will be in a lot of prayers tonight.
Sincerely,
Kathy
Hanging on 10
Linda,
The answer to your question lies in your heart. If you do have to put your husband in a home, please check it out first. Don't feel bad if that time comes, just don't put him there and forget him. Homes are for when you can't(menitionaly and safily) care for him. God works wonders for those who ask. Now is the time for you and your husband to live and love each other.
Take care of youself,too.
Carolyn
A story full of love
Linda,
The story of Tommy's illness has touched my heart. I'm very sorry to hear about his condition. Just reading the story makes me realize that it is not something easy to live with. It has also made me realize that no matter what happens, love is what keeps you going. Your family is my thoughts and prayer. I admire your dedication. You are sticking with Tommy through the good and bad. Hold onto those good memories that you have because it will help you. To me, you are a hero. God bless you!!! You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. The answer to your question, "Does love live in the heart or in the head?" is simple: The heart.
Yours truly,
Lynn