In a fix
In January, she got the call she’d been dreading from the Adult Care Center: Tommy kicked a patient. We’re sorry. He can’t stay.
Worse, while veterans’ benefits covered most of the cost of his full-time day care, it will only cover 15 hours a week of in-home care. Day-care funds cannot be diverted to pay for the sitter, a social worker explained. Sorry, there’s no program for that.
Tommy Rhodes watches as people at the Adult Care Center dance with staff members. (Click image to enlarge)
At the going rate of $14 an hour, a full-time, in-home sitter will cost Linda $20,000 a year — more than half of her take-home pay.
She can’t afford to quit her job, and she’s too young to retire.
Driving Tommy home from his last day at the center, Linda couldn’t help herself. She sobbed.
She knew he couldn’t offer solace, but she said what she was thinking anyway, exasperation and all: “Now what are we gonna do?!”
Tommy reached for his wife’s hand, and something extraordinary happened: His heart took over for his brain.
“It’ll be all right because I love you,” he said. “And I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you.”
Linda thinks of that moment every time her children suggest she put Tommy in a nursing home. If they could have witnessed it, she reasons, maybe then they’d understand.
“At some point in their lives, I think they’ll regret not being more active in his life,” she says.
For the time being, she’s pieced together a network of three different sitters, and she works from home at least one day a week. She’s got a new hospital president to keep happy at work, though — new initiatives to implement, new problems to solve.
| Watch video for this story |
At night, she stays up late catching up on hospital work and combing the Internet for advice: where to buy a bidet attachment for the toilet to help clean Tommy, how to install an alarm on the bathroom window so he can’t climb out, how to tap into their home equity to pay for his care.
When a new personal-care aide arrives and Linda has to leave for work, she makes him a name tag that says: “Mason. Linda’s Friend.”
When Tommy gets upset, the aide points to the tag, and most of the time he calms down.
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Linda, I read your story
Linda, I read your story with much care and was encouraged at how honest you approached this event in you and your husband's life. On the whole, family nor friends, don't seem to know how to approach people who are going through so much, so a lot of the time, they just distant themselves. It's not that they don't care I don't think but perhaps it stirs something up inside of them knowing that this could be them. In taking care of my parent and now my husband, people seem to go further and further in the background when you need that encouragement the most. So I say to you, stick by your beliefs showing your caring spirit and love for your husband as you have done and God's love will be there with you at every turn. Thanks for writing your story and I will be praying for you and your husband.
God Bless You Linda
Linda
I can relate to your story. I was my husband's caregiver. I just wanted to let you know how special you are for being an Angel to your husband. Don't let anyone tell you that you 'should do something' with Tommy. You know what to do, and it seems you are doing it quite well.
I counted it an honor and a privilege to be my husband's caregiver and if I had it to do all over again, I would, only I would do a better job than what I did. My best was not good enough for the man who deserved a whole lot more.
God Bless you is my prayer.
Robin
Caring for Tommy
I couldn't read this story when it first appeared in the paper - it's too close to home. But, this morning, I took a deep breath and read it from beginning to end. My heart hurts for this couple. I know the dreams they had that won't be realized, and the plans they made that no longer matter in the overall scheme of things. We, too, are dealing with a progressive disease - Parkinson's - and with panic/anxiety disorder. My husband is homebound. I am still working full time. Thankfully, he can still be alone during the day, but I dread the day when that is no longer the case. If I could say one thing to Linda, it would be this. Take care of yourself. If you don't, you won't be able to take care of your dear husband. My psychologist reminded me of the instructions one gets from flight attendants. In the event of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on small children traveling with you. Why? Because, if you pass out, you can't take care of the children. Same principle. God bless you both and give you strength and peace.
An Angel
For those of you who do not know Linda personally, she is an angel on earth. Tommy must have known that when he met her! Somewhere deep inside, he still knows - he'll always know. God bless you Linda, and your family. You are in many people's prayers.
From someone who frequents Linda's "counseling chair".
Age of Uncertainty
Linda, Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with the Roanoke Times readers. May God bless you always for your love and faithfulness. Many people (like myself) feel like we have very difficult daily lives and to hear stories like yours gives us renewed strength and faith to persevere no matter what happens. Your devotion to your husband is the way we should all strive to live. I will pray for you and Tommy to have all the joy and happiness that you deserve.
J
A special place in Heaven for caregivers
I cried through most of your story...it is all too familiar. First with my grandparents and now with my mother-in-law. You are doing what your heart tells you and with your strength, patience and sense of humor you have exactly what you need to deal with caring for your husband and handling the opinions of everyone else. Just make sure you take care of yourself. You will be in a lot of prayers tonight.
Sincerely,
Kathy
Hanging on 10
Linda,
The answer to your question lies in your heart. If you do have to put your husband in a home, please check it out first. Don't feel bad if that time comes, just don't put him there and forget him. Homes are for when you can't(menitionaly and safily) care for him. God works wonders for those who ask. Now is the time for you and your husband to live and love each other.
Take care of youself,too.
Carolyn
A story full of love
Linda,
The story of Tommy's illness has touched my heart. I'm very sorry to hear about his condition. Just reading the story makes me realize that it is not something easy to live with. It has also made me realize that no matter what happens, love is what keeps you going. Your family is my thoughts and prayer. I admire your dedication. You are sticking with Tommy through the good and bad. Hold onto those good memories that you have because it will help you. To me, you are a hero. God bless you!!! You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. The answer to your question, "Does love live in the heart or in the head?" is simple: The heart.
Yours truly,
Lynn