Family dynamics

This is Linda’s take on her children’s response to the illness: The son in Botetourt County greeted the diagnosis by denying it. The daughter in Richmond accepted it but had a hard time talking about it. The son in Boston thought she was handling it all wrong.

Only her daughter-in-law Beth Rhodes “gets me, gets where I’m coming from,” Linda says. Maybe it’s because she can remove her emotion from the situation — Tommy’s not her dad. Or maybe it’s because Beth’s been a caregiver herself, having moved back to Virginia from Florida to take care of her own ailing parents.

Linda’s out-of-town children were stunned by how quickly their dad declined, Beth Rhodes recalls.

“When you’re not around it on a daily basis, you tend to think, it can’t be that bad,” Beth says. “I know they were really concerned about Linda’s own health, too.”

To Linda’s way of thinking, that in no way excused her middle child’s pleas for her to “do something with Dad,” as Chris Rhodes put it during a visit last fall.

She understood Chris’ pain. Tommy hadn’t recognized Chris in more than a year, and it scared Chris’ young children when grandpa saw people who weren’t there or became furious over the placement of a living-room chair.A family photo shows Tommy and Linda Rhodes' son Michael, 3, sitting on his father's shoulders in the winter of 1973. (Click image to enlarge)

A month earlier, Linda had had to cancel a trip to Boston for her grandson’s baptism. A trial-run overnight stay at a Roanoke respite-care facility hadn’t gone well at all — the staff called her constantly, and Tommy looked miserable the next morning, “like a puppy who’d just been taken away from his mama,” she recalled.

The last time she’d taken Tommy to Boston with her, the flight was a disaster; he didn’t want to stay in his seat. In the hotel room, she had to tape newspaper over the mirrors. When they were with the grandchildren, the baby’s cries got on Tommy’s nerves.

Chris reiterated the suggestion that Linda do something with his Dad, adding that her relationship with her grandchildren was suffering. And so was her health. Linda had delayed a surgery she needed for her neck for 18 months, and she couldn’t take her prescribed pain meds because she had to awaken easily if Tommy started wandering in the night.

She countered her son’s criticism with a line that has since become her mantra: “Don’t volunteer your advice unless you’re willing to volunteer your help.”

Besides, she thought: how would Chris respond if his daughter had a brain injury and became incapacitated? Would he take his time to assess the situation, trying in-home care first, or would he immediately place her in a facility?

“That’s exactly where I am,” she told her son.