Chile militia disbanded . . .
Assassination attempts to end . . .
Diner discloses planned expansion to Antarctica . . .
Columnist inducted into ‘Roanoke’s Millionaires Club’. . .
Gift basket bribe broached . . .
Offers Dan lucrative PR consulting post
I hope you can understand my trepidation when you called [Wednesday], but after reading your column today I have to say that you have redeemed yourself quite well and your journalistic talents were on full display. I enjoyed the column. In light of this event the Texas Tavern board of directors convened an emergency session this afternoon to proceed with several orders of business.
1. Dan Casey has been voted a member of “Roanoke’s Millionaires Club” effective this day.
2. No further “assassination attempts” (to deliver chile to you) will be made by Spanky (or anyone else for that matter) from this day forth.
3. The chile militia (unorganized) will stand down (effective immediately) over the controversy ignited by last year’s column. Furthermore, it will be made public that Dan Casey should no longer need an armed escort to visit the Texas Tavern.
We also agreed that while “best chile in the western hemisphere” is quite the distinction we hope within a year’s time we will be able to boast that claim in at least 2 more continents (We may go for Antarctica first … you know how cold it is down there and how those scientists need to fill so many weather balloons! I think we will be a gas.) Also, our marketing/PR department may contact you on partnering in chile outreach strategies for the developing world.
Lastly, the Texas Tavern board of directors has voted to send you a Texas Tavern 81st anniversary gift basket. So as an advance notice do not be alarmed when a box from Texas Tavern shows up … no need to check to see if it’s ticking, and it won’t even be a quart with.
Texas Tavern, Inc.
Note from Dan: Wait until they see what I’ve got planned for birthday No. 82. . .