Guest post: An open letter to Gov. Bob McDonnell
Civilwills.com
How dare you tell my daughter she can’t adopt?
Note from Dan: The author was born in Franklin County, grew up in Henry County, worked for the federal government for 23 years in Washington, D.C., and has been involved in real estate with her husband in the Roanoke/Smith Mountain Lake area since the early 1980’s. More on this later — but read it to the end!
By Helen Prillaman McCullough
I grew up in Henry County, went to school in Roanoke and I had no real concept of what our federal, state and local governments were about until my years in Washington where I was exposed to the good and bad of how our governing systems really work. I became a Conservative Republican over a period of time in hopes the conservative politicians would one day end the out of control spending at local, state, and federal levels. I did not know that one day I would be embarrassed to admit I am a Republican because of the radical social issues promoted by members of my party. I do believe in separation of church and state and I believe that God did not create any living things without a purpose.
During my years in Washington, I watched the waste of money in federal agencies which made me angry and cynical—from the lowly clerks to the top bureau and department heads we all learned how to be self serving one way or the other. I truly believe you could remove half the federal, state, and local employees and have a more efficient government both in spending and services. And so, Mr. McDonnell, I voted for you because I believed you were a person of principle, would work for fiscal responsibilities, and one who would not allow his personal opinions or social beliefs of others to govern our state.
After reading recently that you took it upon yourself to strike down the opportunity for children in this State to be adopted into what I know would and could be loving homes with parents of high standards, I wept. You passed judgment on a group of people you obviously know nothing about and you made a judgment call that put a black mark right over the head of my beautiful 6-year-old, well adjusted granddaughter who lives with her two moms in Virginia.
While still single, I unknowingly moved into an apartment building where there were several gay couples living. Of course, this was the 60s and no one ever mentioned the fact there were gays living ordinary lives. Over a period of years, I got to know these intelligent and wonderful people and watched how carefully they lived so as not to offend those of us who are “straight.” There was never once a discussion on sexual orientation. I learned they were just like me, except they had to hide a part of their life because they were university professors or administrators, lobbyists, federal government officials, and other professional men and women. I went to gatherings at the Bobby Kennedy house in Northern Virginia, I meet many top Congressmen and Senators at political parties, and I would never have had that opportunity had I not been friends with a gay male lobbyist who knew them all on a first name basis. How sad I felt for my friends and neighbors because our society had condemned them to a “lower level” of human beings.
As I watched our beautiful, fun loving, outgoing and happy daughter grow up, I always felt she was somehow “different” as a teenager. But she hung out with both boys and girls, went to church on Sundays, and was very active in school. Every once in a while, I would read in the paper about a teenager who for no know reason had committed suicide. I could not help but wonder if this was a result of not being “normal” in the sense of knowing who you are by our society’s standards. Our daughter seemed very “normal” and so I put my doubts aside.
After graduating from college, our daughter moved back to the Washington area. One day she told us she “thought she might be gay” and I think she was terrified of the consequences of what she was saying. We love our daughter and we wept not because she was gay but for what we feared for her in this judgmental and biased society we lived in — and obviously some almost 20 years later still live in. We encouraged her to seek therapy— not to “cure” herself from being gay but to learn to live with who she is. And I believe there was a period when she struggled because of rejection by some of her friends and her own self doubts. But our extended family never faltered in their love and support for her and this gave her strength to come to terms with the fact this was not a choice. Her dad continued to worry about her and he asked her if she would change her sexual orientation if she could. She very clearly stated she would not change because this is who she is. He immediately stopped being concerned about her happiness and what was ahead in her life.
Before I go on with my daughter’s journey, I want to mention a couple of things including your poor judgment on something you obviously know nothing about. I recently had an opportunity to experience something almost as disgusting as what you have done to the homosexual community. I had the unpleasant experience of being in the company of the chairman of a Tea Party here in Virginia who I had just met. At first he spoke of his religious beliefs and moved on to the disgusting sinful homosexuals. I listened, excused him for being ignorant, and had no comment. Then he spoke of his wife’s expertise as a school counselor at a Virginia school and she has determined all children of gay parents are unstable and have adjustment problems.
I had a lot to say at that point which I will not repeat here except to say a person who is responsible for treating all children equally should not be allowed in a school with these predetermined biases. I have trouble thinking this person could one day be in the same school as my granddaughter. I ask you, Mr. McDonnell, how well would your children do if they were exposed to such biases in their young life? Would they feel bullied when the other kids start to taut them? Did your children come with some guarantee that they are not going to discover they are homosexuals and not be what you consider makes a stable parent? Your attitude as an adult and parent— to say nothing of being the head of our great state — is why children put a gun to their head when they are 16 and believe they are “unacceptable” to their parents, their friends, and society in general.
My daughter has been in a monogamous relationship for 16 years. She and her partner work hard at being a family while living in a state which constantly reminds them they are not entitled to equal rights as guaranteed to the rest of us under our Constitution. They have friends you would define as “normal” parents and some who are gay parents you have defined as “unfit” and the children play together. At this age, the children do not seem to find it unusual that some have two moms or two dads, and some children have a mom and a dad. I worry for the day our granddaughter and her friends with gay parents have to meet children from homes like yours and the Tea Party chairman or face a homophobic school official. They will be bullied and made fun of and yes they could become unstable because you confirmed that their state government officials believe they and their parents are “different.”
I have a niece, with a Phd in early childhood development, who is an administrator at a high-profile private school and she tells me the gay parents she has worked with are extremely attentive and their children do well both academically and socially. On the other hand, I talked to a medical doctor recently about his gay daughter. He told me while medically he understands being gay is never a choice, he cannot reconcile this with what he reads in the Bible. As a religious man, I have trouble believing he cannot see his daughter as one of God’s creations who deserves to be loved and honored as any other human being. But then the governor of our state has deemed my daughter and the doctor’s daughter to be unfit to care for children so it must reinforce the fears of those like the doctor who have doubts about this issue.
You have proven you do not represent all our citizen on an equal basis so I hope your political ambitions end with this position you now hold. In some cases, your action has deprived needy children with the possibility of a loving home. I pity your children if they should turn out in later life not to meet the standards you have set for my child and grandchild. I believe God will one day have to explain to these ignorant people who believe all active gays are sinners that heaven is full of homosexuals and they might want to spend eternity in another place more suited to their attitude.
May 4, 2011 - 6:00 AM
Why, Bobby McD can tell you that because he’s a Repub hypocrite. He tells us he wants government out of our lives, but forgets to tell us he doesn’t really mean it on certain issues.
Thanks for sharing your family’s story, Ms. McCullough. I wish your daughter, her partner and their daughter much love and happiness. I hope that your granddaughter never encounters a counselor such as the one you mentioned.
It really breaks my heart to know that there are people in our government, like our Governor, who want to marginalize and entire segment of the population because of whom they love. There is no empirical evidence that gay parents are less effective than their straight counterparts, and no empirical evidence that children from gay households are in some way damaged by growing up with gay parents.
As a guy, I didn’t have to make a choice to like women. I just do. It wasn’t a choice that I could make between women or men… women just appeal to me more than men and that’s just how it is for me. Knowing that, it’s hard for me to believe that a gay person is doing something “wrong” by just being gay. It’s just who they are. I don’t think it’s simply a choice. I think they feel the same way about members of the same sex as I do about members of the opposite sex. It’s hard for me to fault anyone for that.
I’m not going to pretend to know anything about research to compare straight parents to gay parents or anything like that. I understand wanting a male and a female parental influence on a child, but I’m not convinced that it’s absolutely necessary to have both male and a female parents to turn out ok. Children of single parents turn out just fine all the time, so not having a male or female parent around isn’t the end of the world, it’s just a different situation.
worked for the federal government for 23 years in Washington, D.C.
We get the picture.
What is it with all these seminar letter-writers lately? Amazing how their “personal experiences” all mesh into a hammer-the-republican narrative. First, that Harold Daniels character skewering Goodlatte about Poff parking. Now this woman.
Apparently the captcha codes aren’t working.
“I believe God will one day have to explain to these ignorant people who believe all active gays are sinners that heaven is full of homosexuals and they might want to spend eternity in another place more suited to their attitude.”
Beautifully said, and I wish your daughter and her family the best.
#3 hokie24, you mean you didn’t know that EVERYBODY on Earth is born naturally heterosexual (which of course explains why you didn’t have to make a choice) and that ALL homosexuals have made the deliberate choice to be harassed and made fun of and deprived of certain fundamental benefits that heterosexuals enjoy? Come on, guy.
I’m also appalled that you aren’t aware that children of heterosexual couples always turn out great while homosexual couples are just trying to recruit more homos since they can’t procreate.
Pat Robertson wants to have a talk with you.
What a beautiful piece of writing- informative, to the point, passionate and respectful. Regardless of one’s views on this subject, she made her argument very strongly. What a great description of a caring, loving parent doing for her child what all parents should strive to do- to bring their child to adulthood as a tolerant, independent member of society.
Bravo!!!
Gdad… It took me a second to figure out the angle that you were taking with your response to my post!
I only wrote that because it’s unreal how many people just overlook the fact that they couldn’t choose to be gay if they wanted to, just like gays can’t choose to be straight whenever they or anyone else wants them to. The topic came up in discussion with some of my coworkers about a week or two ago, and it was unreal how many of them couldn’t get past the idea that being gay isn’t a choice.
I probably don’t fit any molds around here. I consider myself to be a Christian, and I usually vote Republican, but I just don’t see a reason to treat people bad because of something that they can’t control. Maybe my common sense is stronger than my need to fit into a political party mold!
I have only posted on this blog a few times, but this thread holds particular interest to me. First of all, I’m not afraid to say on here or in person that I am a gay man.
Growing up gay in Southwest Virginia was immensly difficult. I applaud Mrs. McCullough’s letter. That said, (since I know the hate is gonna fly on this blog)I would like to clear up a few “myths” to those who hate what they can’t understand:
1) (for hokie 24) Being gay is by no means a choice. The feelings were there at a very young age. I KNEW around the age of 4. You are correct about it not being “simply a choice”.
2) I was never molested by an uncle or had some traumatic experience to “make me gay”. I grew up in a normal church going rural family.
3) Homosexuals do not have an “agenda” like these family values propagandists say. Our agenda is this: We want our partners to be able to visit us in the hospital as family would be able to. We want our partners to be able to keep what we worked for in the event of one of our deaths. We want to be treated with respect and viewed as valuable members of our community.
4) It was extremely difficult growing up in this area being gay. Even if you weren’t gay at my school, if you didn’t play sports or take machine shop you were a “faggot”.
5) School councilors and teachers were not helpful or even sympathetic…many of them laughed along in fake secrecy.
As I said these are just a few gay “myths” that I have observed.
Back to the open letter: Gov. McDonnell dares to do what he does based on a political party of power, corruption, hate, and lies. McDonnell wants you to believe in HIS and his campaign contributors so called values.
So my advice to you Mrs. McCullough is change your vote in the future and be ready because the hatefest is about to begin.
So now Helen McCullough is disqualified from having a legitimate opinion
because she worked for 23 years in Washington D>C. for the federal government. A self professed conservative republican is wrong in her views because she worked for 23 years for the federal government. This is the mentality of the people who are controlling and running the Republican Party today. Helen, if you want to support a party who cares what life is like for you, your daughter, and anybody who isn’t a ceo
or stockholding millionaire, its time you became a democrat. YTou’ll get a lot further bringing the democratic party to fiscal responsibility than you will getting the Republicans to back off their right wing social agenda.
The open letter writer makes a lot of good points, in particular:
“You have proven you do not represent all our citizen(s) on an equal basis” rings true.
JH – great post.
YTou’ll get a lot further bringing the democratic party to fiscal responsibility than you will getting the Republicans to back off their right wing social agenda.
Just wondering, Dave, since the problem is the “right-wing social agenda”, which blue states have approved gay marriage in a referendum?
Oh, wow. None?
You mean it was too radical for the kookiest far-left state of all, California?
Thank you for posting jh.
Having a child in high school I do know that attitudes are changing… at least among those students who are intelligent thinkers. Going (but not entirely gone) are the days where gays , blacks, and those with differences are made fun of and attacked. Those types of behaviors are only seen in the kids with very little parental direction. The “tsk-tsk-tsk” talk is now directed toward those who skip school, drink/drug, and show disrespect toward their teachers…. at least that’s the case among my child’s group of friends. Perhaps it is because our group of parents have taught our children, by example, that being black, gay, disabled, or different, does not make a person any less a person.
#13 Now tell us which 5 states do in fact issue same-sex marriage licenses, troll.
Lynda K:
On an interesting footnote to your comment, My dad was the biggest racist there ever was but he would have slapped me up and down if I ever said anything vile toward another human being. Now that he is older he has changed his attitude and opinions in a good way. It is also funny to see that now some of the same people that harassed me in high school are wanting to be my “facebook friends”. I’m glad that our young people are growing up with those accepting values and pretty soon they will be young voters.
Mrs. McCullough’s letter, who I know personally, brought me to tears. Well said, very well said and I thank Mrs. McCullough for her courage and strength and her never ending love for her family. I consider myself lucky to know this woman and to know the daughter of which she speaks. Mrs. McCullough’s daughter is one on the nicest, most caring, most amazing people I know. And she is an amazing mother, who loves her daughter with an intensity that is unrivaled. As mother of two boys, I certainly understand all that was said in this letter. And I can only hope that one day, people like Mrs. McCullough will NOT have to write letters like this as this will signal a true victory.