Thursday’s column: Roanoke Tea Party foils a dastardly plot
Jodie McGrath | Wikimedia Commons
MEMO
From: The United Nations
To: Our operatives in Western Virginia
Subject: Our plan to take over Roanoke County, Va., hits a snag
Dear Comrades,
It’s come to our attention that some members of the Roanoke Tea Party have sniffed out the secret plot to establish a beachhead for one-world government in the Blue Ridge Mountains.
Recently, they successfully persuaded the Roanoke County Board of Supervisors to vote down “urban development areas,” a planning concept called for by Virginia’s GOP-sponsored 2007 omnibus transportation act.
Somehow the Tea Party figured out it was part of Agenda 21, our sneaky “UN sponsored effort to destroy property rights.” That’s what their Web site says.
As you know, this scheme has been the United Nations’ highest priority for years. We had thought Roanoke County was the perfect dupe from which to launch a nationwide takeover.
Before you shout, “Curses! Foiled again!” we want you to know that many of our other operations in the Roanoke region remain intact. This memo briefly outlines those and sets forth how we intend to strike back against those Tea Party Dudley-Do-Rights.
We have successfully installed listening devices in 65 percent of the homes in the Roanoke Valley, hidden in those compact fluorescent light bulbs every retailer sells.
Wikimedia Commons
Our allies in Congress recently rebuffed an attempt to keep legal the old, unbugged, incandescent bulbs. Even Rep. Morgan Griffith (unknowingly) voted with us on that one.
Our operatives stationed in the Planned Parenthood office on Peters Creek Road will soon launch Operation Sterilize Caucasians to lower the white birth rate in the Roanoke Valley. Long term, this will reduce membership in the overwhelmingly white Tea Party.
In an effort to splinter the Roanoke Tea Party, we’ll also launch the Roanoke County Tea Party, and advertise it heavily. The first meeting will be Aug. 1 in a room at Catawba Hospital.
With our contrails program run from Roanoke Regional Airport, we’ll step the up spraying of paranoia-reducing tranquilizers throughout the Blue Ridge, disguised as normal jet exhaust.
Wikimedia Commons
This is in addition to the sacks of fluoride our mountain-biking agents already have slipped into Carvins Cove Reservoir. (Remember: Don’t drink the tap water.)
Meanwhile, our operatives have infiltrated the Roanoke Tea Party (we disguise ourselves by wearing tin-foil hats). And we have interesting plans for its most outspoken members. We call this Agenda 007.
We’ll surreptitiously follow them from meetings and hide innocuous, infrared beacons on plastic newspaper tubes outside their homes. These look like quarter-sized colored reflectors.
Our confederates in the Virginia Department of Transportation have moved 150,000 cubic yards of dirt to the base of Bent Mountain. The cover story was the U.S. 221 widening project. Actually, they’ve built a marvelously flat landing zone for our black helicopters.
Wikimedia Commons
We’ll fly these at night and use the infrared flashers to spot Tea Partiers’ homes. Our commandos will kidnap and spirit them away to our secret prison that masquerades as Syon Abbey along the Blue Ridge Parkway in Franklin County.
That pretty much sums up our current operations.
Because this message is not encrypted, Tea Partiers may blow the whistle on it at the next meeting of the Roanoke County Board of Supervisors. So from now on we’ll communicate only in person at prearranged meetings.
Our next rendezvous will be at midnight, Friday July 29 near the drum circle at the Patrick County concert we sponsor known as FloydFest.
The Roanoke Times | File
In an emergency before then, you may contact us any time at the Texas Tavern on Church Avenue. Identify yourself to the counterman with the secret code words, “got any ketchup?” He’ll know what to do.
As always, should you or any of your team be caught, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
This memo will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
But if they keep up their current silliness, the Roanoke Tea Party may do that first.
July 21, 2011 - 6:00 AM
So now we know why you really go to Carvins Cove. Dastardly Dan and his sidekick/young comrade Zach.
Ahhh.. it all makes sense now.
I read it. But it was painful.
Excellent column, Dan.
LOL, good one, that’s a classic!
History is replete with examples of those who risked brutal ridicule because they stood for a principle that challenged the status quo. Those in the tea party want limited government and they challenge the orthodox belief in the benefits of the welfare state. One may disagree with those thoughts, but they are far from crazy.
Many years from now those in the tea party movement will be hailed as the brave few who risked ridicule to turn the soul of America back to one of hard work, self reliance and individual(not group) rights.
terps,
History also is replete with kooks.
The Tea Party started off when many citizens across this country became concerned about the levels of government spending in the wake of the 2008 financial crisis. What was a citizen groundswell has split into a two general themes. One is an “astroturf” group funded by the Koch Bros. through Americans for Property. The other splinter is a hodgepodge of every crank political theory ever voiced in this country. With its opposition to (Twilight Zone theme music goes here) “Agenda 21,” The Roanoke Tea Party is putting itself squarely in the latter camp.
That’s great Dan!
I doubt history with its command of the facts, truth and the luxury of hindsight will regard the TEA Protest as highly as you Terps, and certainly their rhetoric, spokespersons and candidates have not shown promise for a better America. “Orthodoxy” is not always a bad thing and it is a lie that America is or wants to be a “welfare state”. That is another made up story for those who which to block progress. Hard work, self reliance and individual rights are still as all American as they ever were.
The Tea Party beliefs are similar to those of the John Birch Society and we know how history views them. I am all for limited government, but groups like the tea party and birchers who see communist/socialist conspiracies behind any government action they don’t like don’t help the cause of limited government. Identifying how zoning or other proposed regulations will impact land owners/individuals is far more effective in convincing others to limit government than blaming the U.N. and a socialist conspiracy.
Dan… explain to us what you know about Agenda 21.
Dan
That is what you WANT the Tea Party to be so that you can ridicule and marginalize them. In reality, it is a sentiment of many that represents a disgust that this once great country has devolved into a bunch of whiners looking for a government handout.
JHL,
Remember Dan Maes? He’s the former GOP candidate for governor of Colorado who lambasted his Democratic opponent, Mayor John Hickenlooper, who promoted bike paths in that city — another “Agenda 21″ initiative.
Maes won his nomination with the Tea Party’s backing but quickly flamed out and came in third in a three-way race. Here’s a link to his interesting views on this conspiracy.
C-R-A-C-K-P-O-T
#10- “…who see communist/socialist conspiracies behind any government action they don’t like”
wilbert, that seems to be true. I find it bizarre that so many of these people call Obama and his agenda “communist/socialist”, when in actuality he has corporatist tendencies. And he is also pretty much following in Bush’s footsteps- which makes sense since since Bush leaned toward corporatism also.
Dan,
Thoroughly enjoyed the column. Thanks for the read.
oops, one too many “since”.
@ Dan Casey – instead of writing zingers about RTP’s local activism, why didn’t you just fact-check their website and refute the information?
I know of a couple folks who would have happily engaged in debate on Agenda 21 if you hadn’t written a sarcastic hit piece. (or two)
If you truly are opposed to their views, then in my opinion, you missed an opportunity; they went to the meeting and laid their case before the Co. Board of Supervisors, and made a difference. You dismissed them as kooks in a cowardly fashion.
I thought you were better than that.
Magpie, one Tea Party leader in VA recently called George Allen a socialist. I think the man’s a jerk, but a socialist?
Allen is part of the U.N. conspiracy, fyi.
Yep, that’s what I read, Dan. It’s a good thing the TP’s keep us informed. Where would those of us who aren’t paranoid conspiracy theorists get our information from, without them.
“…one Tea Party leader in VA recently called George Allen a socialist…”
Of course, George Allen, the racist bigoted socialist. Who’da thunk it?
Female caller to the newsroom today:
Your Humble Columnist: “Newsroom, Dan Casey.”
Caller: “Mr. Casey, I read your article today and I want to know are you familiar with Agenda 21?”
YHC: “Yes ma’am, with particular respect to the effect it had on the Colorado governor’s race last year.”
Caller: “But have you read THEIR OWN papers?”
YHC: “No ma’am.”
Caller: “That’s what I thought.” Click!
(Note: I also have not seriously investigated the “reality” of Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny, or Bigfoot).
#18- Debbie, have you ever heard any of them call Palin a socialist? She definitely leans more toward it than Obama or Allen. (Allen- that is funny!)
Bill Wharton, co-chair of the Socialist Party USA, said that “Obama isn’t a socialist. He’s not even a liberal. We didn’t see a great victory with the election of Barack Obama.”
And Frank Llewellyn, national director of the Democratic Socialists of America, said “If you want to learn something about spreading the wealth don’t look to Obama. To be honest, the most socialist candidate in the 2008 election was Sarah Palin.”
I read the text of Agenda 21 from the UN website, and from what I saw, I couldn’t see anything insidious or devious in it that would lead to some sort of secretive subversive actions to undermine government, or whatever the conspiracy of the day is to the tinfoil hat society.
This is exactly like that “Correctly Attributed” Snopes thing that was posted the other day as “real information” from that windbag embarrassment to the Libertarian Party. There is a segment of this and every other nation that is going to drink the kool-aid no matter how often you try to tell them the truth, present facts, or refute the arrogance, ignorance and possibility of damage. That people think they “know” things that are not real is the perpetual Law of Contradiction and the Dunning–Kruger effect.
I should add, I did not read the whole text, all the way through…it’s a lengthy document. But I did read the Preamble, the Rio Declaration, and the Forest Principles sections, and some of the articles contained within the heart of the initiative, and if there is a subversive plot afoot within it, I did not stumble onto it…though, if someone can reference the actual sections they feel are troublesome, please do and I’ll read them for myself. I don’t care to read someone’s biased opinion of Agenda 21 on a blog site that gets linked…
http://habitat.igc.org/vancouver/vp-intr.htm
This is one of the documents linked to on the RTP site as evidence of the goals of supporters of Agenda 21.
It does contains statements such as “Private land ownership is also a principal instrument of accumulation and concentration of wealth and therefore contributes to social injustice.” Overall, it does seem to suggest moving away from private land ownership and embracing community property instead.
I did note that A) It’s a national action plan specifically for Vancouver, not the U.S., and B) it’s dated 1976. Was the action plan ever implemented in Vancouver?
If anyone is interested in what the UN Agenda 21 really says, here you go:
http://www.un.org/esa/dsd/agenda21/res_agenda21_00.shtml
Whether you agree with the RTP’s interpretation, that’s up to you.
Other John, for the purposes of what the RTP was discussing the the Roanoke County Board of Supervisors, I’m going to guess this is the part that is relevant, the part about the necessary involvement of local authorities:
http://www.un.org/esa/dsd/agenda21/res_agenda21_28.shtml
“Objectives
28.2. The following objectives are proposed for this programme area:
(a) By 1996, most local authorities in each country should have undertaken a consultative process with their populations and achieved a consensus on “a local Agenda 21″ for the community;
(b) By 1993, the international community should have initiated a consultative process aimed at increasing cooperation between local authorities;
(c) By 1994, representatives of associations of cities and other local authorities should have increased levels of cooperation and coordination with the goal of enhancing the exchange of information and experience among local authorities;
(d) All local authorities in each country should be encouraged to implement and monitor programmes which aim at ensuring that women and youth are represented in decision-making, planning and implementation processes. ”
Again, note the dates. Those UN guys sure are slow movers. I figure by the time they actually take over the world we’ll all be dead anyway.
Well that would pre-date Agenda 21 many years. It was based on a UN initiative passed in 1989, introduced and ratified in 1992, and re-affirmed in 2002.
So either Vancouverites used their powers of ESP to know what the UN would be doing nearly 2 decades later, or the RTP is not checking their facts before pulling the chicken little act.
I vote the latter.
Sorry, I misinterpreted the title/context of the text (should not speed-read)…I suppose the makings of what became Agenda 21 may have started with that effort in 1976.
Still though, where are the plots to take over the world through covert action?
VT Hokie, after reading through it more thoroughly, it was a UN Action Plan introduced at the Vancouver conference. It does appear to be the root beginnings of what later became Agenda 21…many of the concepts and ideas contained are similar between the 2 documents, from what I can tell.
Keep reading VT Hokie. If this turns into anything other than a Dan Casey makes fun of the Tea Party, (like they never heard that before) I’ll invite a few folks to join in a debate.
As long as it stays with this childish tone, they won’t be apt to waste any time that would be better spent elsewhere.
23.#18- Debbie, have you ever heard any of them call Palin a socialist? She definitely leans more toward it than Obama or Allen. (Allen- that is funny!)
No Magpie, I haven’t. Not sure but I think they consider her the chosen one. The Tea Party’s Dalai Lama.
@#31 You’re right OJ.
So, if it all started in 1976 (apparently Agenda 21 and I are the same age), why is the entire world not communist yet?
Tea Party platform:
Cut spending at a time of unprecedented deficits
Resist raising taxes in time of a deep recession.
Most Americans overwhelmingly agree with these planks and the Tea Party. Ridicule them and lose your butt.
Rush Limbaugh warns us about yet another government conspiracy:
“They’re playing games with us on this heat wave, again. Even Drudge. Drudge getting sucked in here. Going to be 116 in Washington. No, it’s not. It’s gonna be like 100, maybe 99. A heat index, manufactured by the government to tell you what it feels like when you add the humidity in there.
116. When’s the last time the heat index was reported as an actual temperature? It hasn’t been, but it looks like they’re trying to get away with doing that now. 116. Drudge is just linking to other people reporting. He’s not saying it, I don’t want to misunderstand, but he’s linking to stories which say 116 degrees in Washington. No!
It’s going to top out as 102, 103. It does this every year. We have this every year. There’s a heat dome over half the country, midwest is moving east. And it happens every summer. Every summer.”
Maybe Rush will head out and exercise REAL hard since it really isn’t all that hot. I’m sure he’s not using the AC.
Rush: “It’s going to top out as 102, 103. It does this every year. We have this every year. There’s a heat dome over half the country, midwest is moving east. And it happens every summer. Every summer.”
Impossible. Everyone knows the Earth is cooling. . . .
. Cut, cap, and balance.
Excellent job by the House on their bi-partisan cut, cap, and balance legislation, fufilling the will of the American people. How can any sane person oppose massive spending cuts?
If this passes the Democrat senate, which some think is a possibility, Idiot Boy will look even dumber than he does now.
VT Hokie, I’ve got to believe that it’s because:
1. The UN is about as slow to act as the steering on the Titanic on a cold April night
2. The UN really doesn’t have the kind of influence some people think it does
3. and the member nations of the UN are pretty much going to do what they want regardless of what the UN action items are.
Regardless, seeing as how that and similar measures have been around for such a long period of time and they haven’t usurped any government or nation to this point, I think it’s safe to say the THS (Tinfoil Hat Society) crowd is making much ado about nothing.
Oh and to Rush Limbaugh, the Heat Index was not manufactured by the government.
Short factual history of the heat index…it was developed by a TV meteorologist from Jacksonville, FL by the name of George Winterling in 1978. He was also one of the first TV meteorologists…after approaching WJXT management with the idea of having a weather segment in their news broadcast.
Anyway, he developed the concept for Heat Index by combining the factors of heat and relative humidity to estimate how hot weather conditions would feel to an average person on a given day, sort of how the Wind Chill helps to depict how cold it will feel on a winter day (by factoring temperatures and wind).
Shortly after Winterling pioneered the idea (then called humiture), it was adopted by the NWS for use in their forecasting. In Canada, they use a similar value known as humidex.
So, sorry THS folks, the Heat Index is not some government-developed conspiracy.
Dang, messed up the coding on the bold…sorry.
Roanoke Tea Party has a new post on their website. Apparently, Dan’s snarky column today has generated an unexpected amount of attention to a story that was news *last* month. It reads like an FAQ for ICLEI skeptics.
http://www.roanoketeaparty.com/a-primer-on-iclei-for-doubters/
http://www.roanoketeaparty.com/a-primer-on-iclei-for-doubters/
When you “talent” is “on loan from God”, I suppose that makes you a climatologist too. Kinda like being chosen as a VP candidate made Palin a historian.
It’s July 21, folks. The dog days of summer. Rush is exactly right; we get this every year.
Well the good news is it was his friends urging him to reiterate the vital importance of this issue, otherwise people might think he likes beating a dead horse full of straw nonsense and red herrings on a slippery slope of denial.
#41 No surprise, OJ, that Rash is wrong yet again. He tried to make this look like some government conspiracy when of course it isn’t.
Breaking News: The high temperatures the United States is suffering from today and tomorrow has been attributed a Phenomenon known as Summer.
Eric@10:19
Straight from Cuccinelli’s mouth to your ear. God bless the Cooch and his
“scientific” law degree!
#49 Either you’re extremely dense, Eric, or we have another troll.
BTW, if global warming deniers can claim a few cold days in winter is proof there’s no global warming, as they regularly do, I reckon the other side can claim that a long run of some of the warmest summers on record might hint that global warming does exist.
E of H and JHL,
Tell me; why would a rational person even follow a link to a local political party that nominated someone to city council who proposed balancing the cities budgets by selling off libraries?
I’m sad to report that the nation’s doctors have now joined the “it’s hot” government conspiracy. Across the nation they’re reporting more illnesses and emergency room visits “related to the heat.” I can’t believe people are falling for this crap about high temperatures being potentially dangerous. Of course the National Weather Service has joined in the scam by issuing heat advisories and air quality alerts. Wimpy liberals continue to try to emasculate our youth by demanding that football coaches allow water breaks. (sarcasm off)
BTW, to anybody who thinks this is just normal old summer heat — you’re wrong. 1,300 daily records set yesterday. Possibly the hottest two-day period in the U.S. in 60 years. Not a record breaker for the Roanoke area, but a normal high for us right now is 86, not 100.
This is an interesting article by Bruce Bartlett in the Fiscal Times. He makes a few, what some people may find unusual, comparisons between Republican and Democrat Presidents.
Note: Bartlett served on the staffs of Ron Paul and Jack Kemp, staff director of the Joint Economic Committee of Congress, senior policy analyst in the Reagan White House, and deputy assistant secretary for economic policy at the Treasury Department during the George H.W. Bush administration.
Oh Debbie, this article also mentions that Robert Welch of the John Birch Society accused Eisenhower of being a communist! haha
Interesting article, Magpie. Thanks for the link.,
I believe there’s a decent chance the GOP will nominate another Goldwater (the 1964 version) for the 2012 race.
Re: #54
Outstanding read, Magpie.
Thanks for the link.
#55- Dan, it depends on if they want the REAL Goldwater or the idealized version. The REAL Goldwater had no use for the social conservatives. Two quotes of his-
“I don’t have any respect for the Religious Right.”
“They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both.
…I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of “conservatism.”
The Tea Party can assure us all they want that their focus is only on being fiscal conservatives. But you just have to look at much of their agenda and also Bachmann and Palin (who many TP’s seem to consider their “leaders” or spokesperson) to see that’s not so. The majority of them seem to be entwined with the social conservatives, or maybe it’s just that the SC’s now finance and make up so much of their group.
There were/are a whole lot of “Archie Bunker’s” out there Mag. Anyone who disagrees with their pov is a commie pinko.
#56- DaveH, it is nice to find balanced views. And congratulations on your win! I was going over to that thread after posting this comment, but I’ll do it here.
Here’s a little blurb I’d like to share, since talking about Goldwater
Both sets of my grandparents were Republicans. When GW Bush was elected, one of my grandmothers switched over to the Libertarian party. She said that social conservatives were just as bad as ultra-liberals. Neither were fiscal conservatives, because both loved government interference and government money when it came to their causes.
She also felt that they both not only loved sticking their noses into other people’s business and trying to dictate how they should live, they also thought the government should have a hand in it as well.
She said the only way to truly achieve world peace would be by sticking both groups on a space ship, and sending them into outer space. Then the rest of us would finally have some peace.
#54 I have to agree with a lot there. Obama isn’t even the liberal liberals want, much less a “socialist.” As one REAL socialist said, Sarah Palin, coming from Alaska where the wealth is spread around, is more of a socialist than Obama.
Very interesting article, Magpie. Thanks for sharing it.
Good link Magpie. I agree with a lot of it but I don’t think Obama is a much a moderate as he is a pragmatist or realist. I believe he has convictions but understands politics and what you have to do to get things done one step at a time. And one big difference between him and Nixon IMO is that he is not a criminal.
I don’t even have to have balanced views, just honest, factual and lacking insult is all I require. It is refreshing when you find it.
Bitterly partisan people can only find “balance” in what agrees with them ergo they seldom can. There are honest, forthright and diligent public servants who are balanced as well as partisan, but too few people can tell the difference anymore IMO.
@Edward Huncoat… one cannot “refute” imaginative conspiracies with facts. The better question would be, can you support Agenda 21 with real facts? Not fantasy, not lies, not speculation, not theories… just facts.
#63- Sandi, I do consider you and several others on here as having very strong liberal leanings. I know I’ll get disagreement with some who veer extremely to the right, but I don’t think there are many ultra-liberals that post on this blog.
I’ve read comments from all of you that have sometimes leaned more to the center or even slightly right of center on some issues. You seem to take it on an issue-by-issue basis, which would be better for this country if everyone did it that way.
I know some of you on the left may disagree with this, but I’ve noticed that most conservatives who comment on this blog are not so purposely “black and white” when they post on the other blogs. It’s more of a give and take elsewhere than the “take down” style that seems to go on here quite a bit.
I prefer balance, but I do agree that it’s very nice when you can converse or debate in an “honest, factual and lacking insult” manner.
I know I’m not an ultra-liberal. I’d never even heard of the radical liberal websites until I started reading this blog.
I’m not saying there’s a Tea Party conspiracy afoot, but I tried to e-mail this column to a friend on AOL from the RT website and got a “Delivery failed” message. Ironically, I’ve never had that problem sending other articles. Perhaps the Tea Party has taken over AOL?
I have never pretended not to have very strong Jesus centered, Statue of Liberty anchored liberal ideology and I make no apologies for that position and feel that is what I am led to live.
However, I also consider my credibility to be on the line as I do not post from the safety of anonymity. I make every effort to be honest, present facts and refute ignorance. I admit when I make a mistake, I admit when Dems, Repbs, Liberals or Conservatives do so as well.
I do take every issue separately, and on its own merits/demerits because that is what honest people and people who have integrity have to do. I think we can all see what blind ideology and bitter partisanship can lead people to say and do and it is not pretty. I do not defend the indefensible as some seem content to do, and I will not argue with lies.
Magpie
I make no apology for my liberal philosophy. But I am not so much of an ideologue that I do not recognize that we can’t continue on this road to deficit spending on an indefinite basis and that there are areas where spending needs to be cut. At some point in the next four years as we continue to try to dig out of the financial mess the Republicans (and some democrats) left us in, we need to get to a position of having a balanced budget and start dealing with reducing the deficit. But I do not believe that any reasonable person caqn actually think that this can be accomplished with spending cuts alone with no revenue increases. And I cannot swallow the bilge that the top 2%’ers and the corporations who are using the tax code they have lobbied for to avoid paying taxes should not pony up to help in resolving the problem. It seems pure logic to me that in doing so, in taking care of the middle class and putting more money in their paychecks, those self same rich(oops job creators) and corporations
would ultimately benefit because improving the economy and enhancing the wealth of the bottom 80% could only lead to more consumer spending and higher profits for the guys at the top.
Dave and Sandi, I hope you didn’t think I was taking issue with anyone for having a strong “liberal philosophy”. I personally feel that this country was built on a celebration of our differences- not an enforcement of one ideal or way of doing things. That is something we fought against.
I was just trying to explain a little more clearly what my grandmother meant. She was talking about the extremist from both parties who tend to see things as only black and white. Their view has almost no compromise and is very narrow. There are a couple (from all political sides)like that who do post on this blog. The majority of people though at least try to look at the individual issues and not try to bundle it all together as one.
Dan, notwithstanding your usual, smug attack on anything not pleasing to the leftwing agenda….do you really support the UN Agenda to move all people into these Urban Development Areas…so we can return the land to Nature????
Pretty soon, we will hear views from the enviro-weeny groups stating that humans are a cancer on the land…..
Matrix, anyone????
no surprise the libs here dont understand ICLEI….it is a disgrace to us all
“do you really support the UN Agenda to move all people into these Urban Development Areas…so we can return the land to Nature????”
Just RWers.