From: The United Nations
To: Our operatives in Western Virginia
Subject: Our plan to take over Roanoke County, Va., hits a snag
It’s come to our attention that some members of the Roanoke Tea Party have sniffed out the secret plot to establish a beachhead for one-world government in the Blue Ridge Mountains.
Recently, they successfully persuaded the Roanoke County Board of Supervisors to vote down “urban development areas,” a planning concept called for by Virginia’s GOP-sponsored 2007 omnibus transportation act.
Somehow the Tea Party figured out it was part of Agenda 21, our sneaky “UN sponsored effort to destroy property rights.” That’s what their Web site says.
As you know, this scheme has been the United Nations’ highest priority for years. We had thought Roanoke County was the perfect dupe from which to launch a nationwide takeover.
Before you shout, “Curses! Foiled again!” we want you to know that many of our other operations in the Roanoke region remain intact. This memo briefly outlines those and sets forth how we intend to strike back against those Tea Party Dudley-Do-Rights.
We have successfully installed listening devices in 65 percent of the homes in the Roanoke Valley, hidden in those compact fluorescent light bulbs every retailer sells.
Our allies in Congress recently rebuffed an attempt to keep legal the old, unbugged, incandescent bulbs. Even Rep. Morgan Griffith (unknowingly) voted with us on that one.
Our operatives stationed in the Planned Parenthood office on Peters Creek Road will soon launch Operation Sterilize Caucasians to lower the white birth rate in the Roanoke Valley. Long term, this will reduce membership in the overwhelmingly white Tea Party.
In an effort to splinter the Roanoke Tea Party, we’ll also launch the Roanoke County Tea Party, and advertise it heavily. The first meeting will be Aug. 1 in a room at Catawba Hospital.
With our contrails program run from Roanoke Regional Airport, we’ll step the up spraying of paranoia-reducing tranquilizers throughout the Blue Ridge, disguised as normal jet exhaust.
This is in addition to the sacks of fluoride our mountain-biking agents already have slipped into Carvins Cove Reservoir. (Remember: Don’t drink the tap water.)
Meanwhile, our operatives have infiltrated the Roanoke Tea Party (we disguise ourselves by wearing tin-foil hats). And we have interesting plans for its most outspoken members. We call this Agenda 007.
We’ll surreptitiously follow them from meetings and hide innocuous, infrared beacons on plastic newspaper tubes outside their homes. These look like quarter-sized colored reflectors.
Our confederates in the Virginia Department of Transportation have moved 150,000 cubic yards of dirt to the base of Bent Mountain. The cover story was the U.S. 221 widening project. Actually, they’ve built a marvelously flat landing zone for our black helicopters.
We’ll fly these at night and use the infrared flashers to spot Tea Partiers’ homes. Our commandos will kidnap and spirit them away to our secret prison that masquerades as Syon Abbey along the Blue Ridge Parkway in Franklin County.
That pretty much sums up our current operations.
Because this message is not encrypted, Tea Partiers may blow the whistle on it at the next meeting of the Roanoke County Board of Supervisors. So from now on we’ll communicate only in person at prearranged meetings.
Our next rendezvous will be at midnight, Friday July 29 near the drum circle at the Patrick County concert we sponsor known as FloydFest.
In an emergency before then, you may contact us any time at the Texas Tavern on Church Avenue. Identify yourself to the counterman with the secret code words, “got any ketchup?” He’ll know what to do.
As always, should you or any of your team be caught, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
This memo will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
But if they keep up their current silliness, the Roanoke Tea Party may do that first.