Caption this! And let’s help the Cooch with his debate questions
Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli | AP | Altered by Dan
I bet you thought things couldn’t get any stranger with the GOP debates.
Mitt Romney’s flopping more than a just-caught marlin on a fishing boat deck. Michele Bachmann is redefining torture, and constitutional rights.
Herman Cain’s time is getting cut — maybe all the flash has gone out of his pan, or perhaps he’s distracted by all the comely gals in the audience.
To fill the gap, the candidates recently were trying to outdo each other which other countries on Earth the U.S. should attack.
And of course, Newt and Ron Paul are suddenly looking like voics of reason. That’s the strangest thing of all.
Fear not, Gonzos, because it’s about to get MUCH stranger. There’s yet another debate Dec. 3 on Fox News. And that night, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli will be one of the questioners!
Poor Ken. He must feel like Don Quixote these days. He’s still chasing fantasy frauds by climate scientists, while at the same time it seems he’s desperately attempting to ignore real fraud by people who steal money from veterans charities. And he’s fighting the feds on health care, and defending the rights of George Mason U to ban guns, then turning around and backstabbing his client by calling their views “crazy.”
The guy seems overwhelmed. He must be struggling. So let’s help him out, and lend a hand.
Let’s suggest some questions he night ask during the Dec. 3 debate. And THEN, let’s suggest the answer:
Your entries should look like this:
To Newt Gingrich
Cuccinelli: “As you know the Obama Administration is refusing to defend the Defense of Marriage Act. Will the Gingrich Administration act differently? If so, how and why?”
Newt: “Well, Ken, first let me say that as you know this is a subject on which I have great experience. Marriage is an institution that’s incredibly important to society, and in my view, everybody should be married at least twice. . . .(followed by 4 minutes of boring stuff on the history of marriage) . . . The bottom line, Ken, is YOU need to get married some more. At least one more time.”
There is LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of potential material out there on this one, folks. Give it you best shots The funniest and most clever entry will win a book from Dan’s Bookshelf
This contest ends Wednesday at noon.
November 25, 2011 - 12:00 PM
Cooch: This question is for all the candidates. As you know I am planning to endorse a candidate before the Iowa caucuses. My question is, which of you is willing to choose me as your V.P. candidate. If not, why not.
Unanimous chorus: Kenny boy, you’ve lost your freaking mind!
Cooch: This question is for Michelle Bachmann. As you know, Sarah Palin has been rumored to have had a fling with a former NBA player. My question to you is, who would you be willing to sleep with if it would help you get the nomination.
Bachmann– Oh Kenny! I”d be glad to discuss this with you privately after the debate tonight. Say, my room, about 11:30?
Kenny Cooch: This question is for Governor Perry: Governor, I have read with approval your interesting thoughts about secession for Texas. In Va. we have researched some ideas about state’s rights also and are very interested in nullification theory strategies. Could you tell us how you
feel about nullification. ?
Governor Perry, after a 30 second pause–Could you spell that one for me and use it in a sentence podner ? I just haven’t had time to read up on it in our new Texas History books yet.
Cooch: For Herman Cain.
Mr Cain. Recently, President Obama was overheard making what could be taken as disparaging remarks about Israel PM Netanyahu. If you become president, what would your relationship be towards Israel.
Mr Cain. Cooch, as our intelligence as shown, Israel is a very mountainous region. I would think twice before invading such a hilly and unpleasant country. That being said,… Oh, I’m sorry Cooch,… I meant Ken, not Cooch,… and I thought we were talking about France, not Israel… Would you accept a bit of black walnut haagen daz as my appology? It’s REAL good!
Cooch: for Newt Gingrich
Mr Speaker, Virginia is rich in history, from Jamestown to Appomatox. Washington to Wilson. Newt, Where would you rank Virginia amoungst the pantheon of American History?
Newt: What?.. are you talking to me? Punk? I’m not here to answer your silly questions, I’m just here for the fee. Next question please.
Cooch for barry soetoro
can you explain your name changes and where are your college grades and thesis, why do you have to use a teleprompter all the time, why do you think there are 57 states in the USA?
To Newt Gingrich:
Cuccinelli: “Mr. Speaker, there are millions of people in this nation who think like the small minded conservatives on the Dan Casey Blog, but as we all know, most of the American voters are much more discerning and intelligent. What more can be done to help the rest of the nation see that fighting us is futile?”
Newt: “Ken, that is a question I have pondered since 1994. I had not expected as much resistance as we have received. After the “Moral Majority” days, I was certain this nation had accepted that the Democrats were the anti-Christ party and that Plutocracy was the only way to survive as a nation. The truth has never been relevant, it is about destiny. It is the destiny of America to return to its roots and by that I mean the roots of being ruled by an aristocracy that knows best. Only when we have fabricated our way into every area of government will we have the controls in place to demand that votes go our way or no way. Our efforts with stopping Obama and any initiative to rein in our control is only the beginning. America will become the nation of the founders again, where a few governed all with no intention of granting the rights we promised and no one dared to gainsay the direction that wealth and power wants to take this nation. The glory days will be with us once again when I am elected.”
Cooch: This question is for Ms. Bachmann. Do you find that the Virginia State Flag is in need of…uummm…modification? In other words, it seems to me that Lady Virtue is not the kind of pure symbol that Virginians really need on their flag. If you were elected, would you preserve the modesty of all symbols that have ever existed in the history of mankind in order to keep our society free from…well…bbreasts, for example?
Bachmann: You mean there is more than one flag? I don’t think I understand the question.
Coochie Coo: This question is for Gingrich and Romney. The state of Va. has sued the federal government over the unconstitutional mandate in the Affordable Health Care Act requiring people to buy health insuranve. Newt, in the 90′s you were for a mandate and Mitt you proposed and approved a lawe in Mass. with a mandate. Why should we believe you are against one now.
Newt: I was for a mandate before my think tank received 37 million dollars from for profit health care entitiies, much of which ended up in my pocket. Let’s face it, money talks. And I have certainly never seen anything like 37 million dollars from all those uninsured suckers out there. When they can find 37 million for me, my “tank” will rethink the issue.
Mitt: As usual you have misinterpreted where I stand. In Massachusetts, we did not adopt a mandate. We adopted a requirement. There is a big difference. A mandate has 7 letters. A requirement has 11. So, you see I am for a requiremet but not a mandate.
Cuccinelli: Jesus, Newt, you just said something rational and compassionate. That’s terrifying! Do you want me to sue you or are you gonna get with the program here?
Newt: (speechless for a change)
Cooch: ”This question is for Moochelle ‘Mad Cow Eyes’ Bachmann: What is your position on flag burning?”
MB: ”Well, they’re going to burn in Hell for all eternity”…(Ron Paul leans over and whispers in MB’s ear)…”Oh, sorry, you said ‘fLag burning’. I’m against that.”
Cooch: “Michelle, will you go to the prom with me?”
Cooch to Santorum:
Obviously, based on the size of our families, you and I are prolife. How do you stand on the proposed personhood legislation
Santorum: I don’t think it goes far enough. I think every one of my sperm is a person as well. Therefore masturbation should be illegal because it wastes precious lives as should various forms of artificial birth control.
Cooch: How does your wife feel about birth control
Santorum: She believes in the hot tea method.
Cooch: Is that before, during, or after sex?
Santorum: None of those. Instead of. That’s why I have time to run for President now.