I had another tacky and disrespectful dream — man, these things get me in trouble.
I was a fly on the wall of an opulent conference room at American Crossroads up in Warrenton.
GOP financiers Sheldon Adelson and Charles Koch were sitting silently and grimly at a polished walnut table.
Before them were large, solid gold platters, and heaped on each were huge salads made from shredded $100 bills.
As they choked down that paper they sipped from large crystal tumblers full of tea.
In walks Republican election genius Karl Rove.
ROVE: Now fellas, before you start shouting . . .
KOCH: You shut up!
ADELSON: You promised us we’d win!
KOCH: Where’s your jerk butt-buddy, Dick Armey?!
ROVE: Guys, guys, I know you’re upset —
ADELSON: I want my $43 million back!
ROVE: Shel, now calm down. That’s not the way it works —
KOCH: I want my $260 million back!
ADELSON: Obama’s still president! Holder is still attorney general! George Allen’s NOT a senator! Thanks to you I may wind up in jail!
KOCH: And I’m not getting a tax cut! Hey I need that tax cut!
ADELSON: Obamacare’s not going to be repealed! Do you have any idea how much that’s gonna cost my company?
KOCH: And we’re not doing a U-turn on global warming! Do you realize how much that’s gonna cost Koch Industries?
ROVE: You can blame Chris Christie, not me. He’s the one who kissed Obama’s butt the weekend before the election. Besides, guys, you’ve gotta look on the bright side.
KOCH: Karl, what are you smoking? Some legal Colorado weed? What ‘bright side?’
ROVE: We put Indiana and North Carolina back in our column, and . . .
ADELSON: Karl, you’re so full of it!
ROVE: . . .the president’s percentages dropped in every state except Hawaii and Mississippi, and . . .
KOCH: I can’t believe I’m hearing this stuff!
ADELSON: Karl, you promised us the Senate. You didn’t deliver.Now there’s MORE Democrats in the Senate!
ROVE: Well, a couple of your guys opened their dumb mouths about rape and . . .
KOCH: Rape! Rape? The only rape I give a rat’s ass about is how badly my company’s gonna get raped by the EPA with Obama still in control!
ADELSON: I don’t even want to hear that word! I might be going to prison and . . .
KOCH: They’re YOUR guys, too, Karl.
ROVE: Not that dimwit Akin. Look, Shel, Charlie we hung onto the House. Give me a break.
ADELSON: We didn’t need to spend $300 million to hang onto the House, Karl!
KOCH: You screwed up, Karl.
ADELSON: Where is Armey, Karl? You still haven’t answered that question.
ROVE: Dick’s on a bender right now. He’s depressed.
ADELSON: HE’S depressed? He’s DEPRESSED? Not as depressed as me. I might spend the rest of my life in prison.
ROVE: Next time we’re gonna need more money, and . . .
KOCH: MORE money, Karl? MORE? Hell, we killed nine entire forests to make all those flyers you sent out. You made 18 billion robocalls.
ROVE: It wasn’t enough. Next time we’re gonna need $1 billion.
ADELSON: If I’m in jail you’re not getting a dime out of me!
KOCH: I’ll get your money Karl. A billion is nothing. But next time, your nuts are going to be on the line. If we don’t win . . .
ROVE: (Wincing). Sure thing, Charlie. We’re gonna win.
KOCH: I wanna run Jim DeMint!
ROVE: Then you’re gonna have to cough up $2 billion.
KOCH: I want DeMint to be president, Karl.
ROVE: Okay, okay. But it’ll take $2 billion.
ADELSON: I don’t want to go to prison, Karl.
ROVE: With $2 billion we can get the Hispanic to vote even for DeMint.
ADELSON: (Snorts) @#$#$%^!!#%&s!
ROVE: Those are the realities. $2 billion is what it’s gonna take.
KOCH: (Pulls out his checkbook) I’ll give you half now, Karl. But your nuts are on the line.
ROVE: Thanks, Charlie. I knew I could count on you. Shel, good luck staying out of prison.
ADELSON: You turdblossom!
(As Rove leaves the room, he pulls out his cell phone and hits a number on speed dial.)
ROVE: Dick? Charlie fell for it hook, line and sinker. I got a check for $1 billion, with more to come. But we gotta run DeMint . . . I know. Yeah. You got that Caymans account all set up, right? Okay. See you at the bar. Order me a 4-pound lobster. Tell Mitt he’s a putz.
(Back in the conference room, Adelson picks up his fork.)
ADELSON: I hope the food in the pokey is better than this crap.