Note from Dan: The following is a parody of the Sixth District Republican Committee’s recent letter to Rep. Bob Goodlatte, R-Roanoke County, “instructing” Goodlatte to oppose the renomination of John Boehner as Speaker of the House. The original is here.
November 10, 2012
We right-wingers here in the Sixth Congressional District like to pretend we know something about the Constitution, or the framers, yada yada. The truth is we don’t know jack. We know you know that, but the minions out there don’t, so that’s why we’re releasing this letter to the newspapers. It’s done to embarrass you, even though it will leave people snickering at us. We don’t care; we’re not self-aware enough to feel the sting of embarrassment.
So here goes:
The framers wrote the Constitution under the influence of alcohol, Christian thought and the abysmal historical precedents of tyrannical foreign nations, which were also Christian-ruled and in which churches were useful to keep the masses in line. And we are in favor of that, by the way.
Now we’ve got this dumb thing called Obamacare. We don’t care if it’s been ruled constitutional by a conservative-dominated U.S. Supreme Court, or that only 33 percent of the people want it overturned, or that the last presidential election (which our candidate lost) was practically a referendum on it. The constitution was set up to guarantee minority rights, like our right to get rid of this thing (but not of that civil rights garbage from the 1960s).
Before the election, Speaker Boehner called for “Repeal and Replace,” all the while he has been fully cognizant of the fact that the Senate and the President would not concur with him. Now that the election is over and the GOP a) lost seats in the House and b) lost seats in then Senate and c) lost the White House, he seems to have had a little reckoning with reality and has given up trying to thwart this law.
We don’t like reality. We never have. We were the folks who, back in the 15th century, called Christopher Columbus a fool and a liar for claiming the Earth was round when everyone knew it was flat. Before that, we’d stamped the “heretic” label on Galileo and locked him up for the rest of his life for his unproved theory that the Earth revolved around the sun, in direct contravention to the Holy Bible.
Boehner’s unwillingness to lead the effort to de-fund Obama’s healthcare is a conscious dereliction of duty, a repudiation to our dearly held sense of unreality, and is treasonous to our interests and our security.
Therefore, we are writing to notify you of our unwillingness to accept such representation; to demand that you oppose the selection of Boehner as speaker for the next session; that you only select a representative who is willing to engage fully in battle against Obamacare and the many other imprudent and unconstitutional efforts of the Obama administration, and that our future support for you is contingent upon your efforts to lead the fight to deny President Obama every measure, constitutional or not, and that this must be done without excuse. Like you should care. Remember, we let you slide on your 6-term limit promise.
All of the above is crazy, by the way. What we really want is for you to vote for Rep. Eric Cantor. Not only will he uphold Biblical and Christian values, he’s proven repeatedly willing to lick our boots and publicly respect us, no matter how silly or stupid he privately believes we are.
Passed unanimously, this 10th day of November, 2012
The Sixth Congressional District Republican Committee of Virginia, aka ‘the biggest idiots in Virginia.’