M E M O
To: All Virginia Republican Party officials
From: Your election-analysis consultants
Subject: Voter turnout in 2012 and 2016
Dear Red-state stalwarts,
We know, many of you thought Virginia was in the bag for Romney this year, and that you are still distraught that President Obama took Virginia once again. But please stop licking your wounds for a few minutes to read this.
Alas, the voter suppression efforts our General Assembly carefully instituted since 2009 weren’t enough to overcome demographics that are shifting in the other side’s favor.
Fret not, though. We are hatching many new suppression schemes in preparation for future elections. They will assure the stain of defeat won’t visit this once proudly “red” commonwealth for three presidential elections in a row. Who knows? They may even get George Allen elected again.
As an example, we offer the city of Roanoke, which has 32 precincts. Some voters there, like at Forest Park Academy, waited three hours or longer to vote. That’s because it took so long to check their names in those laptop computer poll books our State Board of Elections has been pushing since the 2008 debacle.
Believe it or not, we’ve already persuaded some Star City election officials that voting will go quicker and more smoothly if they cut the number of precincts almost in half, to 19 (wink, wink). On average, that’ll almost double the number of voters in each precinct.
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