Note from Dan: Regular J.M. White weighed in with this satiric screed against raising the minimum wage on the Wednesday OPEN thread. It’s too good to let it get lost there.
“Our own independent studies have shown that 20-hour shifts at $1.25 per hour with no breaks, no health benefits and no days off coupled with the dumping of all waste products from production into a giant pit behind the factory is the best way for our company to turn a profit. Our employees are an important part of our production-line fodder, but they should be cost-minimized just as any other expense. We’ve worked hard at deciding what we feel is a fair wage with our workers.
Should any of them fall on tight financial times, we offer them a line of credit through our credit union that will help ease their burden. Our interest rates are comparable with many other lending institutions, as well, and we can deduct payment directly from the employees’ paychecks. All for their convenience, of course.
In our drive to show the world how conscientious of our employees we are, we’ve added a full-time medical examiner, morgue and cemetery on all of our production sites. We no longer have to ship the negligent employees who get mangled in our machinery out to the local hospital; we can write up a death certificate and bury them right there on the factory grounds. Our reasonable rates can be settled up on the balance of the employees’ company account.
We here at MegaCorp believe that the government has no business telling us what to pay our workers or how to treat them or that we can’t block the fire exits. We know what our employees want. They want the opportunity to work hard and rise through the ranks of our highly profitable company. We want them to work hard and not die too often. As you can clearly see, we have similar goals.
And who knows? If they work long enough and still have all of their limbs after 20 or 30 years, maybe someone in middle management will retire and they can move up into one of our cushy, $6,000/ year salaried positions! They even come with four (4) days unpaid vacation each year!
So, see, without the government hassling us over all this “sweat shop”, “child labor” and “safety” nonsense, we’d be free to continue our business of making money for our shareholders at all costs. We’re not the bad guys; they are. We don’t want people to work for free. That’s slavery and it’s been deemed that slavery is wrong, so we’re against it now. We just want to work people for as low of a wage as we can get them to in the name of capitalism. Is that so wrong? Why do you guys hate capitalism?
I’m glad we had this talk. I’m sure that now that you see things from our point of view, you won’t be so quick to criticize in the future. Thank you in advance.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my performance bonus just came in for that “company cemetery” stroke of brilliance. I got $18 million for suggesting that we bury the poor saps on sit … at cost to the survivors! I love this country! If you need me, I’ll be in Bermuda.
Director, Public Relations and Marketing
MegaCorp – bringing you truckloads of cheap foreign crap on the broken backs of American workers since 1981.”