Note from Dan: Regular J.M. White weighed in with this satiric screed against raising the minimum wage on the Wednesday OPEN thread. It’s too good to let it get lost there.
“Our own independent studies have shown that 20-hour shifts at $1.25 per hour with no breaks, no health benefits and no days off coupled with the dumping of all waste products from production into a giant pit behind the factory is the best way for our company to turn a profit. Our employees are an important part of our production-line fodder, but they should be cost-minimized just as any other expense. We’ve worked hard at deciding what we feel is a fair wage with our workers.
Should any of them fall on tight financial times, we offer them a line of credit through our credit union that will help ease their burden. Our interest rates are comparable with many other lending institutions, as well, and we can deduct payment directly from the employees’ paychecks. All for their convenience, of course.
In our drive to show the world how conscientious of our employees we are, we’ve added a full-time medical examiner, morgue and cemetery on all of our production sites. We no longer have to ship the negligent employees who get mangled in our machinery out to the local hospital; we can write up a death certificate and bury them right there on the factory grounds. Our reasonable rates can be settled up on the balance of the employees’ company account. Read more »