2009.11.03
Afternoon break: 'Butter My Butt and Call Me a Biscuit'
That is the title of a charming and diminutive compilation of countrified phrases mailed in as a review copy here at The Roanoke Times.
It will not get a review in the newspaper, sadly, because I have snatched it off that review-book pile. And we get way, way more books than we have space to review in the newspaper, anyway.
What it will get on this blog is a smidgen of promotion. Because it's full of funny, homespun and true phrases that are a pleasure to poke through.
The authors are Allen Zullo and Gene Cheek. The publisher is Andrew McMeel Publishing. The list price is $9.99 and that's worth the laughs it's given me so far.
Below is a the tiniest of selections from this book. Please add your personal favorite homespun phrases in the comments below.
- Intolerance: "You're so narrow-minded you can see through a keyhole with both eyes."
- Ineptness: "You're about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt."
- Ignorance: "If you put your brain in a hummingbird, it would fly backward."
- Unmarried lovers: "Now there's a couple that ate supper before they said grace."
- Matrimony: "Marriage is just like sittin' in a bathtub. Once you get used to it, it ain't so hot."
- Smooth-talking flirts: "Women need to keep him at a distance, like they do skunks and bankers."
- Ineffective: "You're about as useless as a milk bucket under a bull."
- Stupidity: "If dumb were dirt, you'd be 'bout an acre."
Come on, folks, I'm sure you have more and better ones. Comment away!
If you had brains,youd be dangerous
As funny as a gum machine in lockjaw ward
so mean you make medicine sick(Muhammed Ali)
I never drink water,fish %$## in it(WC Fields)
Comment by tony — November 3, 2009 @ 2:53 pm
your as worthless as tits on a boar hog
Comment by Keith — November 3, 2009 @ 3:21 pm
crooked as a dogs hind leg
Comment by Keith — November 3, 2009 @ 3:22 pm
Worthless as teets on bacon.
Comment by Rich — November 3, 2009 @ 3:43 pm
whats that got to do with the price of beans in China?
have you done fell and bumped your head?
Comment by Keith — November 3, 2009 @ 3:49 pm
My biscuits are buttered on the top. It must be one of those liberal things....
Comment by Bob H — November 3, 2009 @ 4:36 pm
dumber than a box of rocks
Comment by tony — November 3, 2009 @ 4:37 pm
Well now, don't that just knock your hat in the crick.
Comment by Ralph — November 3, 2009 @ 4:50 pm
Right Wing: "He's so far right, he can't make a left turn"
Stupid: "She is dumb as a box of rocks"
Life's Tough: "Root little pig or die" (I use this one all the time)
Stupid 2: "If you only had one choice, you'd still make the wrong one."
Marriage: "Did you wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep in"
Marriage 2: "He couldn't do any better and she couldn't do any worse"
Looks: "She was hit with the ugly stick"
Comment by Sandi Saunders — November 3, 2009 @ 4:56 pm
Sandi is "finer than frog hair" lol
Comment by tony — November 3, 2009 @ 5:30 pm
Here's another one from the book:
Good men are as scarce as deviled eggs after a church picnic.
Comment by Dan Casey — November 3, 2009 @ 5:56 pm
how about this modern one"all men are pigs"
Comment by tony — November 3, 2009 @ 6:27 pm
Sharp as a mashed tater sandwich.
Or my personal favorite:
Soup sandwich.
Comment by Ed S. — November 3, 2009 @ 7:08 pm
If you had half a brain it would be lonely?
Comment by Kristen — November 3, 2009 @ 8:04 pm
If he had half a wit..it would be lonesome
Comment by tony — November 3, 2009 @ 9:29 pm
Dont worry Warlock.if we tie you can have the prize
Comment by tony — November 3, 2009 @ 9:30 pm
Hm..how did I post here on another subject.guess i been postin too long.lol
Comment by tony — November 3, 2009 @ 9:42 pm
Your so low..youd have to look up to sit down..
Comment by Tony — November 4, 2009 @ 12:44 pm
My grandmother (who lived to be almost 100) was always quick with a saying. The two that I most remember are:
"This room is so small you can't cuss the cat without gettin' hair in your mouth"
I've been eatin' Saltines so much, I'm fartin' dust"
Comment by Lynda K — November 4, 2009 @ 6:25 pm
My favorite "southern insult" as delivered by Flo on the old sitcom "Alice": "kiss my grits!"
Comment by Sandi Saunders — November 4, 2009 @ 6:52 pm