2009.05.29
Army Wives, Part 4: The List
This column is the fourth in a series focusing on Army Wives and their sacrifices. My Army Wife, Devon Connaroe, compiled the following second half of the list, "Top Things Not To Say To The Spouse of a Deployed Soldier.”
Five Army Wives, whom my wife has befriended during our last five years in the military, contributed to the list: Robyn Mroszczyk, Melissa Salmon, Sheena Jorgensen, Erin Wackerhagen and Rasheedah Stewart. Many of these sayings were not exclusive to one individual, but heard by multiple women.
Often times, military spouses are asked questions with obvious answers. Would you prefer if she answers with a non-obvious answer?
“Do you miss him?”
“Are you excited he is coming home?”
“Are you scared he will die?”
On the off chance that the spouse has taken her mind off these thoughts, you have now changed that.
Others carelessly encourage, “But he’ll be home for Christmas, right?”
Military personnel do not get to leave their assigned deployment for Holidays. They are granted only two weeks of vacation to leave and visit their family. Only a fraction of them can visit home at any given time, including holidays.
Believe it or not, those close to military spouses will at times grow tired of their friend’s sorrow, saying:
“You knew what you signed up for when you married a soldier.”
“You knew that he would be deployed.”
Military spouses do not marry the military; they marry the man or woman that they love who happens to be in the military. No one can ever describe to you what the weight of a deployment is like or “what you are signing up for”.
At times, some people end conversations by saying, “If you ever need anyone to help you with something around the house, give me call,” without leaving a phone number.
Typically, a wife is not going to reach out for help, especially when the offer is half-hearted.
Finally, some people just do not think before they talk.
“I am glad my husband isn’t in the military, because he could die.”
Believe it or not, people who aren’t in the military still die.
The final installment of the Army Wives series will conclude with suggested support for Army Wives.
OK, the last one might not have been intended to be funny, but it is.
I'm looking forward to the list of "should say"--right now I just don't say anything beyond, "Oh, that sounds challenging," followed by awkward silence or a subject change. I feel I should acknowledge the situation, but having never been in the position of "military wife" I have no idea what words will make it better or worse. And the last thing I want to do is make a difficult situation worse....
Comment by Peggey — June 1, 2009 @ 11:50 am
As a former Army wife of 12 years, I can say that one of the things anyone could ask would be, "What can I do to help you?". Being on your own for any deployment is difficult, and it's especially hard when you're not around a military community.
When my husband was deployed in the first Gulf War, we lived "on the economy" in Germany. It was amazing how much my German neighbors helped me with things when my spouse was gone. The German children went out of their way to play with our children too.
So, don't be afraid to ask that question, or to offer just a "I want to thank you for the sacrifices that your husband/son/daughter is making by being away from you, and also thank you for "serving" right along beside him".
Now, my son's deployed (2nd time) with the Navy for The War on Terror, and I again watch too much news! I, as a Navy Mom, now miss the military community once again! We're civilians now; but, yes, he knew what he was "signing up for", but it's for you and I. And, when he comes back, and when I give him a hug at the airport, I will tell him thank you for serving and sacrificing for our personal freedoms. But for now, I have to get another Care Package ready!
Go Navy, Army, Marine Corps, Air Force, Coast Guard, National Guard, and all reserves!
Comment by Kathie Northern — June 3, 2009 @ 11:12 pm