2008.09.02
Overnight gives new respect for parents
Parenting is no joke.
Moms and dads play the role of heavy, having to be the "uncool" parent who says "No," when everyone else's cool parents say "Yes."
They wield the belt (or bedroom slipper), mete out bedroom detention or get stingy with the car keys to underscore the consequences of a child's infraction.
An emotional teen can cut parents to their core with the words, "I hate you!"
I admire parents who make the tough calls and endure youthful wrath in order to instill discipline and values in their children. They do so with the hope that their offspring will make the right choices when mom and dad aren't around.
But a recent overnight with two youngsters -- 9-year-old Imani and her 8-year-old brother, Rahja -- gave me even greater admiration for moms' and dads' ability to intersperse the tough-love moments with the equally challenging day-to-day routine of raising kids.
As school gets back into full swing, there's much praise to be heaped upon a mother or father who can keep traffic flowing through the bathroom on busy school mornings and convert the kitchen counter into a daily assembly line for packing lunches.
And at the end of the day, don't forget the skillful execution required to get the little darlings into bed. Did I mention serving as referee for offspring who fiercely love each other but sometimes can't stand each other?
"SHANNA!" Imani yelled as she barged into my bedroom and interrupted my phone conversation one Friday night.
Hearing what sounded to the untrained ear like a blood-curdling shriek for help, I excused myself from my call, jumped up and hobbled behind her on my recently operated-on foot into the other bedroom.
"He keeps blocking it so I can't see," she said of Rahja, sprawled on the floor in front of the portable DVD player. "That's So Raven" was playing.
"She got more popcorn than I got," retorted Rahja, whom we call 'Dre. He pointed to the bowl containing the bedtime snack I had made for them.
I had hung up my long-distance call for this?
Inevitably, in family rooms and at kitchen tables or lunchroom canteens, parents are chuckling at me -- a childless, career woman unlearned in the way of children -- and saying, "Welcome to our world."
My counterpart in Richmond and I discussed our experiences recently. He and his wife don't have children but have been taking care of a young niece. We agreed that taking care of children is an enriching experience, just different from how we remember ourselves as children.
Having the siblings together for an overnight was new for me. Imani spends most weekends at my house. But 'Dre had never stayed over. He had been asking to join his sister one weekend, so I agreed.
Things started out promisingly. Imani willingly gave up the front seat so 'Dre could ride shotgun as we headed to a restaurant for an early dinner. While we waited for the order, Imani patiently showed her brother how to play a peg game on the table.
When the food arrived, she helped him cut up his french fries.
We left the restaurant and went to a movie. There was a dust-up of some sort between the two in the darkened theater, but I was engrossed in the movie and couldn't quite figure out the source of the spat. So I made what I considered a very parental decision: I separated them, putting 'Dre on one side of me and leaving Imani on the other.
At home after the movie, the kids took out the bicycles. They were strapped in helmets, staying within the boundaries I'd given them and genuinely seemed to be having a good time. I felt confident in my fledgling parental skills, so I called their mom.
"Well," I said with an air of confidence, "I'm surviving."
She laughed. Curiously, it was the kind of laugh that suggested she knew something I didn't. A parent's instinct, I suppose.
As dusk fell, I took the kids to get some DVDs. As we were leaving Blockbuster in Salem, 'Dre called out, "Shotgun!"
That was surprising because he and his sister had largely quietly negotiated this between themselves all day.
But there, in the darkened parking lot, "shotgun!" suddenly became an issue. Imani ran and jumped in the front seat.
'Dre pitched a minor fit that, as I recall, included pouting, stomping and fussing bordering on whining -- all of which was stoked, I'm sure by Imani's sinister laugh.
In truth, 'Dre had ridden in the passenger seat more than Imani that day, and his little fit tried my patience. So I told him to get in the back and Imani to stay put because she was there. (On second thought, advantage probably should have gone to 'Dre. After all, he had called "shotgun." Parents, tell me how you would have handled this.)
I had gotten in and was pulling away when Imani turned, peeked through the hole in the headrest and apparently made a face.
"Stop looking at me!" 'Dre shrieked, as if looks really can kill.
I told both of them to pipe down, and tuned them out with my Jill Scott CD.
By the time I pulled in the driveway, they were loving brother and sister again.
Once inside, the first order of business was baths.
Who knew that administering baths was such a hectic endeavor? 'Dre was OK with a shower. Imani announced that she had just gotten a perm and thereby would require a bath to avoid getting her hair wet.
As I got him in and out of the shower, I had to draw her bath so it wouldn't be too hot. As her water ran, I was checking to make sure he was dry and in his pajamas. At the same time, he wanted me to set him up on a computer game.
After she finished bathing, she couldn't reach her towel and was calling for me to hand it to her.
Sheesh.
I know, I know, "Welcome to parenthood."
Once everyone was bathed, 'Dre was no longer monopolizing the DVD player and the popcorn was divvied up evenly, a quiet calm settled over the house.
Pretty soon they drifted off to sleep, and I lie in my own bed. I felt the satisfaction that real parents must feel every day.
I had been responsible for two little people, and they were sleeping peacefully and safely in the next room. Ideally, they had learned from me, and I had learned one thing from them for sure.
Parenting is all it's cracked up to be -- and more.
Dearest Shanna,
I read with devoted intrest of your "experience" and quite agree that you have parental skills, on par with many parents, as I noted the following:
^You did not mention the age of the children, but that his french fries were cut up for him.
Of note however,
1] Dinner 'out'
2] A theater movie-"engrossed and missed the "dust off"
3] Rental DVDs
4] Ran bath checking temp
And you made popcorn?
Sorry about the disrupted phone call...
Cool!
Comment by Dona Wheeler — September 2, 2008 @ 6:26 am
Cute story that brought back a lot of memories. Mine were much more than a year apart, but I can still remember them fighting over the shotgun ride among many other things. The nice thing about being a weekend "parent" like you were is that you get to hand them back once they've tired you out.
Comment by Mike — September 2, 2008 @ 10:52 am
Shanna, I have a tip for you.
An 8 and 9 year old are too young to be sitting in the front seat. Put them BOTH in the back.
Comment by Melinda Barnes — September 2, 2008 @ 1:53 pm
Shanna,
Your story really brought back memories! Funny how kids are kids around the world -- the behavior & rivalry typical anywhere you go. They sound like well behaved and loving children. I am sure it was fun, but hard to get anything else done!
"Stop looking at me" cracked me up. That one I had forgotten. All kids seem to learn "The Look" that is particularly irritating and works best in a car, for some reason.
It also reminds me why both grandparents of my two sons preferred to take one child at a time for a week or two during summer vacations. That also gave them the ability to concentrate on activities of special interest to each.
Sounds like you have two good buddies!
Comment by Ms. Goldenwillow — September 2, 2008 @ 2:34 pm
Shanna, I agree with Melinda. The children should have both been in the backseat at that age to begin with. Airbags in the front of a vehicle can cause serious injuries to a child. Booster seats are appropriate for kids up to the age of 8 yrs. and then still appropriate if the child is small, as seatbeats and their positioning are designed for adults.
Having said that however, if they had been older, to solve the argument I would've have made both ride in the back.
Thanks for the invite to comment. I have this argument with my stepdaughter continually and often I see that her 5 yr. old is not even using her booster.
Comment by Beth — September 2, 2008 @ 3:34 pm
"Shotgun" and calling it doesn't work in our house. When do you get to call it? When you find out you are going somewhere? When you get to the car? Since we have a 2 door, whoever has to get out first as we run errands gets the front seat. As for calling other things, like the remote control, computer time, etc. Mom gets first dibs, period. After that, I try to fairly share the power. I always hear it anyway, that one had more popcorn than the other, but they can just deal with it. They get over it in time for the next instance of unfairness anyway. Life isn't fair all the time either. Sounds like you had a full evening!
Comment by Heather — September 2, 2008 @ 3:41 pm
Hey Melinda:
Are you trying to stage a re-enactment of the Civil War in Shanna's back seat? Good suggestion, depending upon the weight of the kids.
Comment by Mike — September 2, 2008 @ 5:22 pm
I have to agree with the back seat thing. I only have a 6 month old at the moment, but remembering baby sitting as a teen and watching other peoples kids, I just didn't give a front seat option, saved atleast one argument. You did well.
Comment by Alene — September 2, 2008 @ 5:40 pm
Heather,
That's half the point of calling "shotgun". Like most other things in life, the spoils go to the one with the initiative, and many of the rules of life are largely undefined. Life itself is one big game where the rules keep changing.
And, of course as many little kids know, even those that follow the flexible rules can "lose" to the proper application of force (e.g. bites, scratches, kicking, etc.)
But you are right in the end... Life has no pity for petty arguments, and the judgment of life (mom) is absolute and final.
Shanna - You make a great case for not having kids. Unfortunately I'm losing that argument with my wife!
Comment by Ed S. — September 2, 2008 @ 6:21 pm
Oops I missed the ages, but reread, but tounge in cheek as it were, Shannon, spending time with kids is and should not be spending money, or keeping them busy, giving them selections, choices, build ego, and people smarts, and yes it is fun to spend time with kids, it brings back the child in one, and should have the adult, very aware of what is ok and what is not. I taught my 3 sons independence, and they are very self sufficent, each love cooking and are neat and care for their stuff.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, I'm sure the kids did too, and I hope you see my point. Mentor, teach, live it and pass it on.
Comment by Dona Wheeler Roankoke, Va — September 2, 2008 @ 6:26 pm
Re: Overnight article
Shoot the shot gun. Kids the ages you mention (8&9)should not even be in the front seat. Check the visor on the passenger seat. There should be a govt. notice warning kids under 12 should not sit there. In fact, until they're 4'9" they are supposed to be in a booster seat in the back.
I know kids don't like it, but I made mine (now ages 12, 16 & almost 18) sit in the back until they turned 12. They go from infant seat (facing backwards) to regular baby/toddler car seat facing forward, to booster seat, to no booster, and finally to the front.
Beyond that there was the "I'm embarassed to sit in the passenger (seat)" once they get their driver's license and don't want to be seen not being the driver. And of course, my daughter would not drive my car (a totally not cool "mommy van") only my husband's ok car!
P.S. I wrote this b/4 reading the other posters' comments and was happy to see that I was not the only one to pick up on not sitting in the front.
Comment by Laurel — September 2, 2008 @ 6:41 pm
My Aunt Rose Marie was one tough lady when it came to child rearing, never talk back, girls are too sit in between boys while riding in a car, men should let their children eat first.
Once when I was seven some neighborhood boys beat me up she said it will come a time when the beaten will be the teacher. On my tenth birthday she told me go teach 'em and they will never bother you again.
Was her directions correct to this day if we cross paths as older friends they never look me in the eye always looking at my feet in fear of another fight. little do they know..... I'll keep that to myself.
Oh I forgot let no male hit your sisters, for a sister will become a mother to a man that will set the standard for which true men will live by.
God Bless you Rose in Heaven, because your sister my mother is equally tough!!!!!!!!!
Comment by Terry B — September 2, 2008 @ 7:53 pm
Terry:
Your story reminds me of my Aunt "Jean." When we were having trouble potty training our youngest son, she offered the suggestion ...
"why don't you do like I did and make him wear the wet underwear around his neck! That'll train him in a hurry."
Needless to say, we respectfully declined her well-intentioned advice, but there may have been some method to her madness, as her son grew up to be the high school player of the year in one of the roughest states in the country. So maybe the moral of that story is "if the Jockeys fit, wear them (over your head?)."
Comment by Mike — September 2, 2008 @ 10:32 pm
Oh, I've been there. And you've seen a lot of what most parents deal with, but still just the tip of the iceberg.
I am not only a mother of three, but also substitute teach. Seeing the spoiled kids with "cool parents" in school, only reassures my just-say-no attitude.
By the way, are you offering weekend babysitting? I could use a few days away...
<Amy, dearest, I ain't trying to take on any added faux-parent duties! (smile)--s
Comment by Amy Hanek — September 3, 2008 @ 11:27 am