2008.12.03
Memo to my cat
MEMO
To: Thai, the cat
From: Nona Nelson, personal assistant to Thai, the cat
Re: Quarterly performance review
Thai,
I thank you for my recent quarterly performance review, which you delivered by purring on my lap while I was wasting time yet again on the computer. I always appreciate your feedback.
I've put some thought into the points we covered and offer this course of action for performance improvement:
- I must apologize for my continued inattentiveness to your food dish. I know you prefer it to be filled at all times and I have neglected that many nights this quarter. I am embarrassed that you have to remind me of my error by stomping on my head and chest while I am clearly sleeping on the job. I will do better going forward.
- As to your suggestion that I groom you with your favorite brush at least once an hour, I am afraid that won't be feasible at this time as I do have to leave the house for several hours each day to earn money. It's just an inevitable fact of our failed economic system that I have to trade hours of labor for bags of Iams Hairball Control Formula.
- I will prepare the correspondence to the White House as you asked, suggesting that the Obama family abandon the "stupid puppy" idea and instead put a superior creature, a feline, back in the Oval Office. I should have the first draft ready for your review before the inauguration.
- Finally, we should address what you referred to as "the smelly mutt situation." I took your proposal about "canine relocation" under advisement, and I am afraid that may not be in the best interests of the community at this time. I am afraid "the pound" is already filled with homeless dogs, and it would not be prudent to add to the problem. Besides, as a flawed human, I must admit I am rather fond of the pooches.
- I suggest we continue our present course of "canine re-education" and I feel confident that eventually all three dogs will indeed cower to your greatness, respect your authority, and recognize you as the supreme alpha pet. As you pointed out, the canine learning curve is steep and thus I beg your patience.
Again, I thank you for you attention and for continuing to allow me to be in your life. Please don't hesitate to let me know how I can be of service to you.
How silly of me. Of course you won't hesitate.
Love it! But now I feel seriously lacking in my duty to the cats who rule me.
Comment by Heather Froeschl — December 3, 2008 @ 12:07 pm
This should turn into one of those sent-around-the-world email forwards. I bet millions of personal assistants to cats would get a kick out of it! I especially like the "sleeping on the job" part. Haha!
Comment by Gretchen — December 3, 2008 @ 1:29 pm
Our cats never fail to let us know of their discontent with the level of food or water they have, the lack of clothes piles to lay in, not having enough small things to knock off tables and slide across the floor, and others. One particularly vocal female cat we have is known to growl more than purr. If there isn't a piece of black cloth or black furniture to lay on, or something at least very dark...she stays quite angry with us. We used to have a cat that would proceed to knock down every pill bottle, trinket, pen, picture frame, or anything else not securely attached to a surface when there was a bare spot in his food bowl (even the size of an eraser tip!) As soon as we fixed the problem, he was fine. Another one of our cats apparently got annoyed with him for that and began pawing at the food to pull it down manually when it happened. They are funny, interesting little creatures.
Comment by Other John — December 3, 2008 @ 2:33 pm
We not only give in to my indoor cat's every whim, but the outside "stray's" too.
This past week Frank (the "stray") has been begging at the kitchen door. With a full food dish, I wonder what he could want. It couldn't possibly be to enter the warm house, could it? Well, I don't allow him inside, but instead let him sleep in our comfy and well insulated garage.
My husband (the whimp) even started warming a bowl of milk for Frank. My indoor cat (Brandy) is extremely disgusted.
Comment by Amy Hanek — December 3, 2008 @ 2:38 pm
That is wonderful!! I can't quit laughing...it is so true and so funny. I especially like the part about the correspondence to the White House about "the stupid puppy" idea and also "the smelly mutt situation"!!! Typical kitty of course!
Comment by Deborah — December 3, 2008 @ 4:15 pm
I love it !! This cat looks like my" Tommy" that is.. if the black is changed to white. He is a ferral cat, took us 2 years to train him to like us, he just came in for his tuna packed in water,( he WILL not eat it packed in oil) he gets 1 spoon of tuna along with his control formula from his "vet", then back out he goes, either the front porch or the screen in back porch..where he has a heated cat pad from Foster's and Smith in his bed and at 9:30 he comes back in, eats a snake and jumps on his pillow in my bed and sleeps 'till 6 am and the day starts anew.
Comment by Mary Tate — December 3, 2008 @ 5:29 pm
Sorry about the misspelled word... he eats a SNACK, not a snake!!!I had to write this, I didn't want anyone to think we gave him a snake
Comment by Mary Tate — December 3, 2008 @ 5:35 pm
So funny! I definitely identify with the "smelly mutt" comment - my cat feels the need to sneak up on the dog while she's sleeping with her mouth open and sniff her breath, only to make the most disgusted face you've ever seen and walk off. Too entertaining!
Comment by Michelle — December 3, 2008 @ 6:43 pm
I too have 2 cats that are very unusual. Abby, my female has been spoiled to the point of meowing at me if she is not being loved on enough. She will come running if she hears me open a soda bottle regardless of what she is doing (even eating!) to see if she can get the cap to play with. The funny thing is I bet if I looked hard enough I could find 10 or 15 caps elsewhere. But, no they are not good enough to play with! The other one Tigger lets me know he needs a drink of water, but it has to be from the bathroom sink while the water is running. Not from the water bowl.
Comment by Eric — December 4, 2008 @ 9:14 am